▶ Your Answer :
With advancement of society, people’s
principles about the importance of being capable of working to work with others have been
changing. Some people might think that it is not that critical, but others
think it is crucial. In my standpoint of view, I consent with the former assertion
based on the following reasons;, creativity and efficiency. >space
First, Frist, creativity is an ability to solve
the problem with unprecedented way of solution, and it can be developed happens when people
share their ideas and thinking. As the world has become more complex and
sophisticated, answers that did not exist before have not been existed is are needed. That’s why it is
important to work with other people from a different sphere. An example is a water
pollution caused by industrialization. Before industrial revolution, water
pollution is not the matter people should worry about, for they could acquire
fresh water from the well, stream and so on. However, at present, pollutants made
by factories contaminate water, so without purification process, people cannot
obtain pure water near their surroundings. In this regard, there is demand for
understanding properties of chemical, geological condition, and purification
principles and so on. In other words, working with different people is are crucial
to solving solve this problem. Without gathering together, there would be had no creative
solution for this matter. 여러 분야의 협업이 문제 해결에 도움을 준다는 설명까지는 매끄럽지만 이것을 '창의력'까지 연결할 필요는 없을 것 같아요. 앞부분에서 창의력 내용을 빼고 '오늘날' 문제 해결이 더 다층적이고 복잡해져서 협업이 더 중요해졌음을 강조하면 일관성을 살리는 데 더 좋을 것 같아요. >space
Second, efficiency is another critical aspect when it comes to the importance of to be capable of working with other people. Contemporary work procedure consists
of diverse detailed parts and professionals. In contrast to 20th
century when where agriculture and dairying (낙농업) was is major means for living,
and when people did not doesn’t need to specialize be specialized in a particular area, current society is
considered as IT era. 협력능력이 어떻게 효율성을 높여주는지, 이것이 왜 중요한지도 설명해주세요. For example, Samsung is one of the biggest companies major company in South Korea, and it has they have high reputation for fabricating superior quality of electronic
device. To devise promising products, its employees people should specialize be specialized in
particular areas, and it makes the company have more productivity. These trends
allow people to have skills communicating with different professionals, and
without this ability they cannot survive in the rapidly changing world. >space
To sum up, these days, complex problems as
the world have rapidly changed are only solved with new answers, and they it comes from
creativity and efficiency, which are emerged from mixing ideas of different areas and backgrounds. , and Also, these diverse expertise has have led people to be open-minded
to other people. As times goes by this working skills would be more important.
Comment : 협동능력이 과거보다 중요한 이유를 설명해야 하는데, 본론2의 내용은 협동하면서 사람들이 배우게 되는 부분들을 설명하는 것처럼 되어 있어서 흐름이 어색해 보이는 것 같아요. 복잡한 현대의 문제를 해결하기 위해 협동이 필요하다고 주장한 본론1처럼 본론2에서도 '왜' 협동이 더 중요해졌는지를 명확히 설명해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 문법오류가 많은 편이니 정확한 전달이 가능하게끔 더 신경써주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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