▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that competition can stimulate you and rather it can make more strong bond among friends as competition stimulates people, people can make stronger bond among different friends.
However, in my opinion, there are only adverse effects on friendship from doing
competition. In this essay I will present two reasons to support my idea.
To begin with, excessive competition can
incites incite deterioration on relationship among friends. To be specific, the
meaning of success has changed completely compared to the past when compared to the past. In the past, it
was merely focusing focused on one’s own way and excelling others, now it is different.
You cannot be good on your own One can not be good on his or her own. It is sometimes necessary to people who can
support you and help you others and help others out from hard times. So it had better to harmonize with
your friends it is better to harmonize with friends and help each other rather than colliding through competition. For
instance, I will give an example of my friends. When I was a high school student,
there were two of my friends who tried to enter the school representative
soccer team. There was only one spot. So both of them tried their best. But the
problem was competition between them became too aggressive to make them insult
each other as to their soccer skills. Eventually they became distant. 이렇게 끝맺음 하는 것 보다는 이러한 것 때문에 왜 우리가 친구사이의 과도한 경쟁은 사이를 망치게 된다는 식으로 서술하면 좋을 거 같아요. 또한 에세이 형태에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다.
On top of that, also competition interferes
people who need to reduce their stress. Since everybody has stress, it is really
crucial to relieve stress. To be specific, having the outlet for stress has a
meaning in itself since it helps people regain energy and find the strength to
go on. People nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally. So
it will help people get back on track. For example, I will give my experience.
When I was junior in university, there was a girl that I sincerely loved but
the problem was one of my friends also loved her. So we both endeavor to do
best to her. Since I recognized he was rival, I always compared to him when I do
something for her and sometimes l felt not only loss of confidence but also obsessive
compulsive disorder (O.C.D.) concerning to loss her. That was really stress. 뭔가 적절하지 않는 내용인거 같습니다. 앞에서 나오는 이유에 대한 설명도요. 좀 더 과도한 경쟁은 사람들로 하여금 스트레슬 만들게 된다 이러한 것들 때문에 사람들이 힘들다. 이거에 맞는 설명과 예시가 필요해 보이는 단락입니다.
To sum up, considering that competition
itself can be hindrance against relationship among friends and also harm the
relief of stress, I strongly believe that competition usually
has adverse influence on friendship Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 전체적으로 잘 서술하였습니다. 하지만 문제점이 많이 보입니다. 일단 첫 번째 바디에서는 끝맺음 이 약간 이상했고, 에세이 형태에서 사용하면 안되는 you를 너무 많이 넣었습니다. 이러한 부분을 조심하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 바디에서는 예시와 이유가 전체적으로 논리와 논점이랑 거리가 멉니닫. 좀 더 개연성 있는 예시를 갖고 와서 서수하시는 것을 추천드립니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |