▶ Your Answer :A controversial issue regarding whether the government should spend money on developing or buying computer rather than on or basic needs has been ongoing. Several opinions arose, and I support the idea that it is better to spend money on developing or buying computer technology. There are two reasons to stand. First, people's life can be more convenient conveniently on higher computer technology, and second, the government can earn more money through developed computer technology.
To begin with, high computer skills give people more convenience. This The reason is that many kinds of inventions that make life easier easily is are made by well-developed computer technology. For example, yesterday, I had a very important meeting at my company. I left home early. But there was a heavy traffic jam in the road. I thought how I could fast arrive at the company. At that time, I thought of the navigation machine that made by higher computer technology about geography. The machine gave me the road information. Eventually, I arrived at the company exactly on time. This shows that computer skills can help people live a better life. So the government should spend money on developing or buying computer technology for people's convenient convention people life. On top of that, the government can earn more money through developed computer technology. The reason is that the government should resell the computers that are developed on older computer more expensively.이 부분 내용이 잘 이해가 안 됩니다. 구체적으로 설명을 보여주셔야 할 것 같아요. According to a recent poll, the majority economists economic experts has agreed that the main mainly revenue of a country is export of the computer. This The reason is that today economic world today's the most important thing is the “IT” in economic world. Among In the IT field, the most more important thing is the computer. Many countries country buy and sell the developed computer. This shows that the government should spend money on developing or buying computers, which it will be able to give the more incentive to the government and us. To conclude, I strongly argue that my standpoints of two reasons are sufficiently convincing. First, people's life can be more convenient conveniently on higher computer technology, and second, the government can earn more money through developed computer technology. In this regard, I believe that the government should spend money on developing or buying computer.
Comment : 편리한 생활이나 국가 경제 측면에서 주장을 제시한 부분은 아주 좋습니다. 다만 아직 논리가 충분하지 않아서 설득력이 약하다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 구체적으로 정확히 설명하고 사례도 관련된 내용으로 잘 보여줄 수 있도록 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. 문법오류, 오탈자가 많으니 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |