▶ Your Answer : People's intellectual, social, and personal development is highly influenced by advices from friends. With this understanding, I believe that it is important for people to get advice from their peers than friends who are older. This is because getting advice from peers enables them to strengthen relationships with peers while getting advice from older friends can be replaced.
First, getting advice from older friends can be replaced by other one. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in "The Korean Herald", which claims that advice from friends who are older can be replaced. The article claims that 72 percent of 200 Koreans believe that getting advice from their parents is more valuable than advice from older friends. My own experience also demonstrates some of the advantages of advice from parents. In order to stay in shape, I joined a local gym and exercised very hard after work. However, due to strenuous workout, I felt really tired at my office. My father gave advice that relaxing is one of the most important parts in a life, then I changed my routine. tThis advice from my father was really helpful to me. From my experience, I learned that getting advice from older friends can be replaced by advice from parents. 나이가 더 많은 사람과 또래 중 누구에게 조언을 구하는 것이 더 좋은지 묻는 문제에서 '부모'의 조언이 더 낫다고 연결하는 것은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 또래에게 조언을 구하는 것이 더 좋은 이유로 주장을 만들어서 명확히 설명해주는 편이 낫습니다.
On the other hand, getting advice from peers enables people to strengthen relationships with peers. Understanding the importance of relationships with friends and the potential role of advice from peers is necessary to substantiate this view. Getting advice from peers provides meaningful opportunities for people to connect with their friends. Essentially, talking about their problems frankly and getting advice from each other promote activities that encourage people to openly interact with one another. People can get proper advices from peers because people tend to tell only their friends about their problems candidly. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only to mingle with peers but also to understand each other more deeply, allowing people to become more socially aware.
To sum up, I believer that it is important for people to get advice from their peers than friends who are older. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment :
'조언'을 구할 때 누구에게 구하는 것이 더 좋은지 묻고 있으므로 조언의 유용성에 좀 더 초점을 둔 주장을 보여주는 편이 좋을 것 같습니다. 친구에게 조언을 구함으로써 친구와 더 친밀해진다는 것 또한 가능한 이야기이지만, 문제가 묻는 조언의 질과 관련된 장점을 보여주기에는 주장이 다소 약한 것 같아요. 본론1의 주장을 또래 친구에게 조언을 구하는 게 더 좋은 이유로 바꾸어서 글을 다듬어준다면 좀 더 논점에 맞는 답변이 될 것 같습니다. 모델에세이를 응용할 때 억지스러운 부분들이 생기기 쉬우니 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 바꾸어서 활용하는 연습을 꾸준히 해주시면 좋을 것 같아요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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