▶ Your Answer : When a company builds a large factory near a community, there are several advantages and disadvantages of new influence on the community.
First of all, making a new factory will improve the standard of living. The new construction of factory will provide more fields of businesses, more job positions and higher household incomes on the community. This trend will be likely to save people from poverty, and ultimately contributing to the overall economic growth. For example, in the 1970's, the government began to invest billions of dollars dolloars in big car factories factoris in Japan. Eventually Eventurally, the investment was able to help Japan decrease poverty rate as well as unemployment rate. The most contributing factor was that new job sectors gave more people opportunities to work and earn income for their household. In other words, people with little or no income emerged as the new middle class, which played a significant role in promoting the overall GDP. 논점을 완전히 벗어나는 것은 아니지만, 정부 주도로 국가 안에서 대규모로 공장을 많이 만들어서 전국가적으로 영향을 미쳤던 사례는 특정 community에 큰 공장을 새로 지어서 그 지역에 미치는 영향을 보여주기에는 조금 성격이 다른 것 같아요. 한 지역 안에서 보이는 영향으로 사례를 제시해주는 편이 연관성면에서 더 좋을 것 같습니다. In this sense, the new large factory facrory will give more benefits of economy on community.
However, building a new factory prevents people from staying healthy. This is mainly because living near the factory can give a negative impact on people's lives such as making more bad worse air condition, wastes and increasing traffic jam because of lots of people. This situation will stress people out. In fact, stress is one of the causes of illnesses because it weakens the immune system. For example, my uncle, a doctor at a general hospital in a city, tells me that sometime many of his patients suffer adverse health effects from stress. They came to him for stress-related ailments and complaints complanits. He has found a relationship between stress and human diseases such as headaches, high blood pressure and insomnia. 스트레스가 건강에 좋지 않은 이유를 설명하는 것은 주제와 관련이 없습니다. '새 공장을 새우는 것' 자체가 가져오는 부정적인 영향에 대한 사례를 제시해주세요. 실제로 한 마을에 공장이 들어서서 환경이 많이 나빠지고 사람들의 건강에도 영향을 미친 경우 등을 사례로 생각해볼 수 있습니다. In this sense, making a large factory will give more stress to people who live near a large factory.
All things considered, building a new factory can enhance the economy in community, but this also will give more stress to people as I mentioned above.
Comment :
질문이 요구한 내용은 나의 마을에 새 공장이 들어선다면 생길 수 있는 장/단점과 나의 '의견'입니다. 현재 답안에는 장단점을 나열한 것 외에 나의 입장은 드러나 있지 않기 때문에 질문의 요구사항을 충족했다고 보기 어렵습니다. 나의 입장을 함께 제시해서 답안을 완성해주세요. 내용 전개 과정에서 논점이 맞지 않는 내용들도 수정이 필요합니다. 관사 관련 문법오류도 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
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