▶ Your Answer : Some people think optimistically that mobile phones enable people to enjoy huge freedom in terms of their life styles because it is available for
people to keep in touch with friends and use internet wherever and whenever
they want by using phones. However, in my opinion, the advent of mobile phones
is rather pessimistic with regards to people’s excessive dependence on the
phone.
To begin with, these days, most people tend to watch their mobile
phone screen without any special purposes. In more extreme cases, they seem
even even seem to feel overly anxious and get addicted to the phones. These symptoms
resulted in breaking of communication among neighbors. From my personal
experience, compared In comparison to the past when people used to have talks to talk with next
person, nowadays, all people just look at their smart phones with their head
down in subway. In the dreary atmosphere, I realized that even I kept my eyes
on the screen. 그래서 결론적으로 말하려고 하는 것은 무엇인가요? 끝맺음이 적절하지 않는 거 같습니다.
On top of that, people cannot do some tasks without cell phones,
even if they were able to could do that previously. To put it in detail, while people
could find out their destination by using paper map in the past, now they got
used to using smart phone’s application which has a function to navigate, so
lost their ability to navigate. In addition, they don’t do not memorize even their
family members’ numbers, relying on the mobile. These behaviors indicate that
people have been excessively depending excessively depended on cellphones, weakening original
human’s capabilities.
To sum up, people’s over indulgence on mobiles cannot be considered
as desirable conclusion because the usage made communities heartless world
without interaction face-to-face face to face interaction, and people have been more poisoned with that. are poisoned from such behavior. In this regard, I don’t do not agree with the statement that mobile phones have provided
people with freedom.
Good: 24~30 점수: 25 일단 처 번째 바디의 끝맺음이 아쉽습니다. 이 에세이에서 만지막 부분에서 나오는 문장은 끝맺음을 하는데 있어 적절치않습니다. 자신의 경험만 얘기하고 있고 전체적으로 이러한 경험들이 어떤 상황을 불러일으켰냐에 대한 설명이 나오지 않았습니다. 또한 약간의 문법적 오류들이 있으니 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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