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I have some trustful friends since i was in a high school about 10 years. Therefore, I had memorable days with my old friends. However, there There (위 정보는 인트로에 있어서 적합하지 않는 문장인거 같습니다) might be some people who believe that making many new friends easily is more important than maintaining friendships with a small number of people over a long period time for happiness. However, I personally disagree with the above claim with two subsequent for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, people become more stressed when they make a relationship with others. People should take care of their behaviors or mentions to others and should be polite to create new bond with others. Watching out for every action make makes people tired and stressed. Consequently, this stress affects negatively on people’s happiness. Let me bring my personal experience for an example. When For example, when I attended English academy when i was 15, I went to the middle class in the academy with 25 students there were 25 students taking the class. Because there was anyone who I met or saw before, I was too shy to make friends easily. Eventually, this situation came to me like a big problem. One day I even cried for an hour in front of other students. (그래서 이 부분을 통해서 말하려고 하는 것이 무엇입니까? 왜 이러한 경험들이 이유와 개연성이 맞는 것인지에 대한 설명이 필요해 보입니다.)
On top of that, people can tell their true concerns to only a few friends for a long time. If the relationship is not long enough, a person probably hides their worry to seem like strong person. In front of the friends with sticky relationship, people can talk about their real problems and worries of themselves. Sharing those thoughts not only makes the bond closer, but also improves their life quality. According to the survey done by KFS institute from South Korea, almost 80 percent of people answered “yes” for the questionnaire that they can feel better when sharing their difficulties with reliable friends. Moreover, people added that It is hard to tell their drawbacks with friends they meet recently.
In conclusion, people could become more stressed from meeting new people to make new friends and share their cares with only friends for a long time. In this regard, i strongly believe that make a strong relationship with a small number of friends for a long time is more positive than meeting new people.
Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 이 에세이에서의 큰 문제점이 있습니다. 큰 문제점이 무엇이냐면 마지막 부분이 개연성이 너무 부족합니다. 왜 이러한 예시들이 주제와 관련해서 중요한지에 대한 설명을 해야하는 데 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에는 그냥 예시에 대한 경험만을 설명할 뿐 전반적인 왜 이 예시가 중요한 지 에 대한 것이 서술되지 않았습니다. 따라서 이러한 부분들을 좀 더 구체적으로 설명할 필요가 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |