▶ Your Answer : Various opinions may exist over the argument that children should play sports for fun rather than for competition. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. The two ideas below stated can be valid evidence to prove my point. To begin with, competition during playing sports rather gives young people more stress. Most of children play sports such as soccer, basketball or baseball just to enjoy their free time. By enjoying their leisure time with their friends, they are able to forget about hard things at school and it which is considerably effective for drastically decreasing to drastically decrease their stress. However, if they play sports with their friends for to win, it will make them to be more stressful (어떤 부분에서 운동을 할 때 경쟁하면서 하면 사람들에게 스트레쓰를 주는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다). For this reason, I disagree that young children compete in sports. My personal experience can be used to prove my point. When I was an elementary school student, I took the test of math and the math was my best subjects, one of my favorite subject. I expected to get A score but the result was terrible. I got B. I was young and it was hard to me to handle the stress from the test. Then, my friend Jong Min recommended to me go to play basketball. I played basketball to forget about the test and release stress. However, as I played basketball, me and my friend got drastic to win the game. Consequently, I got more stress from that game because I lost. 예시 마지막 부분이 좀 이상합니다. 이런 식으로 예시를 쓰는것 보다는 차라리 학교에서 힘이 들어서 운동을 했다. 하지만 운동을 할 때 이기는 것만 생각하다 보니 스트레쓰가 쌓이게 되었다. 그러나 내가 관점을 바꾸고 이겨야한다는 생각을 버리니 쓰트레쓰가 없어지게 되었다 라는 식으로 서술하시면 더 좋을 거 같습니다. Moreover, playing sports just for fun is really helpful for students to increase sociability social skills. By enjoying sports with their friends, they could become more closer. On the contrary, competitive minds during game can make people sensitive so it could make their relation bad. According to the private survey from Seoul National University in Korea, most of the respondents who played sports just for fun succeeded in their fields. They answered that because of the sociability social skills learned from the sports game with their friends, they could learn sociability. They also said, if they played games for win, it could be hard to get a goal of their own (자신들이 가지고있었던 목표가 무엇인지 명확하게 명시해야합니다.) 두 번째 바디는 매끄럽게 잘 이어나갔습니다. 하지만 아쉬운 점은 너무 짧습니다. 예시 부분에서 좀 더 구체적이게 서술하시면 에세이 질에 살을 더 붙이게 되어서 더 좋은 에세이가 될 거 같습니다.. To sum up, it is significantly beneficial to relish sports purpose of fun because of stress and sociability. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 먼저 첫 번째 바디나 두 번째 바디나 둘다 좀 더 명확한 예시들을 넣으시면 더 좋을 거 같아요. 명확한 예시를 서술하시면 좀 더 에세이 질을 향상시키고 설득력을 높아 줍니다. 첨삭한 것을 보시면 알다시피 문법적오류나 철자적 오류들이 보이고 있으니 읽고 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |