▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, relaxation plays a significant
role in people's daily lives in many of the places where they work or play.
Some people think that it is better for students to take a long vacation once a
year instead of several brief vacations, while others do not. Both sides may
have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I
would say that enjoying several brief vacations is preferable to taking a long
vacation once a year. There are several reasons as follows.
First of all, when students enjoy several
short-term vacations, it will help them achieve greater success in school.
tTaking frequent short vacations enables students to relax and recharge their
batteries regularly. When students are fully recharged, they are likely to have
more energy to put into working and being active. However, when people take a
vacation only once a year although it takes a long time, they may always feel
tired after a long day at school work because becase they cannot have free time until one-time
vacation. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in school. He got
distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, he has
changed little by little after his school changed the policy to allow students
to have vacations four times a year, and each of the vacations takes one week.
Before this new policy, he only had a winter vacation for a month, so he was
not able to stop studying for 11 months and thus he lost his interest in
studying. However, after this policy got implemented, he started to maintain a good behavior by
raising his grades in school. He showed characteristics of a longer attention
span, a stronger passion in his tasks, and a better ability to delay
gratification. Without some short-term vacations, he would have fallen behind.
In addition, when students take several
brief vacations, it can contribute to an increase in their overall happiness.
Several vacations allow students to spend more time with their loved ones and
can strengthen their emotional bond and feelings of security in their relationships. Being Bieng with people they care about is likely to prevent students from feeling
lonely in today's cynical society. For example, when my sister was in high
school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting
routine. It was difficult for her to make friends because all of them seemed
too busy and indifferent to others. Fortunately, she was able to get over her
feeling of loneliness loniless by taking several severak vacations with her family. By doing this,
sShe was able to seek for advice and obtain words of concern simply by spending
more time with her family during the several brief vacations. She was able to
connect with her parents more easily and socialize well with them by spending
her vacations with them.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantages of taking several short vacations far outweigh those of
having a long vacation for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the
importance of frequent relaxation cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of
happiness in life.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 몇 가지 오탈자 체크해주세요. 모델에세이를 응용하실 때 주제에 맞게 모두 키워드 적용이 되었는지도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. allow, be able to처럼 같은 표현이 반복적으로 나오는 것보다는 동의어를 활용해서 다양한 표현을 보여주는 편이 좋으니 검토하실 때 참고해주세요~수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Effectively addresses the topic and task (주어진 주제에 대해 정확하게 이해하고 답변을 제시함) - Is well organized and well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절한 설명과 예시를 사용하여 글을 전개・구성함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence (통일성, 연속성, 일관성을 보임) - Displays consistent facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety, appropriate word choice and idiomaticity, though it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors (사소한 어휘・문법적 오류를 보일 수는 있으나 대체로 적절한 어휘와 표현을 사용하고 다양한 형태의 문장, 유창한 언어 구사력을 보임)
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