▶ Your Answer :
We
have seen a lot of people who have internal conflict between their family and
work. Some people think that being at work is important because they can earn
money from it, while other people think that being with family is more
important for happiness. Meanwhile, I strongly believe that we have to
concentrate on our family more than on work for the following reasons. First
of all, we have to consider what the purpose of a work is. The ultimate goal of
our work is not to earn a lot of money, but live with our family with the
money. In a nutshell, we work for our family.(반복되는 문장입니다) Therefore, concentrating on work
regardless of family is simply wrong. For example, let's image there is a man
who a man works sixteen hours in weekdays. He does not have time to be with his
family, because he works too long at weekdays and he has to take a rest at
weekends. He wants to earn lots of money for his family's happiness. However,
his family members are not happy because they cannot spend time with him. Even
worse, he gets much stress from workplace, so he sometimes rages at his family.
As a result, the man is divorced by his wife. Then, where is the reason he has
been works so hard? For the ultimate goal of work, therefore, people should
focus on their family. On
top of that, we live for happiness, and we get happy from time with family
rather than from work. only happiness can be gained spending time with family. Therefore, we have to try to spend more time with family
instead of at workplace for our happiness. I agree with the idea that some
people can feel happy from their work to some degree. However, I believe that
the level of happiness from relationship and family bonding is much higher than
occupational happiness. When I was an elementary school student, my father used
to work too long to have extra time to spend with me. He looked so exhausted
and even miserable sometimes. After about a year, however, he stopped working
to long and started to spend his time with our family. From that time, he
seemed happier and enjoyed his life better. Although the income was decreased,
our family became happier than before, and he said that he was content with the
decision. In the light of the experience, I strongly believe that spending time
with family is more conducive to our happiness.
To
sum up, not only is the purpose of work for our family, but also we can be
happier by spending time with family. In this regard, I strongly believe that
spending time with family is more important than being at work. Good:24~30 점수: 24 일단 이 에세이의 큰 문제점 중에 하나는 반복되는 문장들이 많습니다. 에세이를 읽어나가면 했던 말을 또 하고 또하는 경향이 있습니다. 이러한 부분은 전체적인 에세이를 장황하게 합니다. 따라서 했던 말을 또 하는 것 보다는 간결하게 본인의 주장이 잘 나타낼 수 있는 부분만 서술하시는 것이 좋은 점수를 받기 위해서는 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |