▶ Your Answer :
In my opinion, I
would say that having good friends is the most important component of making an
enjoyable trip. (인트로에 적합하지 않는 거 같습니다. 바로 자신의 의견을 제시하는 것 보다 훅 과 상대방의 의견을 제시하는 것이 바람직한 인트로입니다)
To begin with, I
have been making a lot of trips over my life, especially when I made a trip to
Italy alone. I had felt kind of lonely during the trip (이 부분을 통해서 하고자 하는 것이 무엇인가요? 이 단락에서의 궁극적인 이유는 무엇인 가요?).
For example, there had been sunshine during the trip and I
took a boat following the lake as an activity but, I was not able to share my
pleasant feeling and I could not talk about exciting feeling with someone. So,
even though I apparently enjoyed my trip, in a part of my mind I was not that
happy.
In additional, in the airport or cafe, whenever I wanted to
go to the toilet then I always had to worried about my belongings such as
laptop, bags from being stolen from someone. Because unlike in Korea, there are
scarce CCTVs in the cafe which is in Italy. So I always had been uncomfortable
whenever I was in the cafe.
On top of that,
there was a poll conducted by Fontys university in Netherlands with their student
as respondents who have experience of trip alone. According to this, 70%
respondents had responded that if they make a trip again then they must bring
their friends with them. This was mainly because they had felt not that happy
and they needed someone to share their good moment. While the 30 % respondents
had responded they did not feel lonely during the trip.
To sum up, the most
important factor during the trip can be different following the own
perspective. But, many people feel that having good friends when they are
taking a trip can contribute to feel happier.
In this regard, having good friends is the most important
constitution of making an enjoyable trip.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 전체적으로 정리가 덜 되었다라는 느낌을 주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 일단 인트로 부분 부터 지적한 다면 자신의 의견만 제시하는 것 보다는 이 에세이의 방향성 또한 서술하는 것이 좋습니다. 또한 첫 번째 나 두 번째 단락 둘 다 전체적으로 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 또한 필요 없이 예시도 많이 서술한 거 같습니다. 좀 더 정리가 더 되어 있는 상태에서 에세이를 서술하시는 것을 추천합니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |