▶ Your Answer : Some people think that children should learn all subjects as mandatory at school. However, I strongly believe that it is not good for children to study art and music class as math,history,science and language for the following two reasons.
First of all, school is a place where students interests about what they learn (이 부분을 통해서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인가요?). However, if children should be educate educated almost every subjects intensely, they will loose their motivation and even give up their studying. This is not appropriate action for school as well. For instance, my high school have has special class for someone who want to major art or music at University. If students want to know about that subject, they can provide professional quality in class that they have chose. In fact, this system encourages people to study more. Therefore, children should select their unnecessary class voluntarily. On top of that, Children need to focus on more important subjects than other ones. To be specific, school teaches numerous things such as education, personality, relationships. There are so many things that children have to concentrate on, but if they have to study art and music as mandatory subjects, their health will diminish quickly. It is significant to keep children's immune system normally. From my experience, I once worked part time job at elementary school tutor. Children were extremely young and little, but their parents wanted to make them more smarter kids than others. While I was teaching them in music class, they could not play outside and feel fresh air. After few years, I met children on the street and they looked always tired and exhausted. Thus, children can study more when they become healty adults and they should manage their body first. To sum up, school do not have to teach children these subjects because they need time to enjoy their life and be strong people. In this regard, I think children should not have art and music class as mandatory school subjects along with other essential ones.
Fair: 17~23 점수 : 21 일단 문법적으로나 내용면으로나 정리가 덜 되어 있다라는 느낌이 드는 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것은 에세이가 얼마나 설득력이 있나 인데. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 이러한 면모가 잘 보여지지 않습니다. 특히 단수 복수 명사에 따른 명확한 동사 형태를 꼭 사용하는 것을 권장합니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 이러한 부분에서 많은 오류를 범하는 것 같습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |