▶ Your Answer :
There would be are many people who argue that getting advice from peers is better than older adults. However, I strongly believe that getting advice from older adults is better than from peers. Here is the reasons why I think like this; older adults have lots of experiences than peers and older adults are more realistic than peers for the following two reasons; experiences and realistic pursue.
Older To begin with, older adults have lots of experiences than peers just because they had more time to be in face of the world because they confront with a lot of difficulties. As they have lots of experience, they can evaluate which choice is better than the other choices. As we don’t do not encounter the real life dealing with the problem we want to discuss, we have to gain some advices advice (advice 는 셀 수 없는 단어 입니다) who already experienced that. For example, when I was in high school, I hesitated to choose which choice I have to make for my future. There was two options for me: being a doctor and being a scientist. Well, my mom whose job is doctor, suggested me that it would be better to go to the medical school and be a doctor, because if i choose this way, i can also become a scientist if i want and, I can have reputation and earn lots of money As my mom's job is doctor, he recommended me to become doctor, since doctor can pursue scientist work with a lot of reputation. I accepted my mother’s advice. And now, as a doctor, all the advice from my mother was right. i haven’t regreted have not regretted to follow the adivice advice. so I strongly believe asking advice from the older adults is beneficial than asking from the peers
Another reason is, older adults are more realistic than peers, so they are more adequate to ask any adivice (불필요한 문장인거 같아요).As you people (에세이 형태에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다) know, when people get older, they encounter the world and know the world more, and become realistic. On the contrary, our peers are so idealistic comparing to older adults. That’s why I asserted that it is important to get advice from older people. I saw the news telling us that there were few people who gained success while maintaining their idealistic dream. Only people who knew the real world, made a right plan and followed the plan consistently, got success ultimately achieving success. As the news mentioned, I totally think gaining advice from older adults can give a higher chance to make us encounter the real world and to make better plan that can lead us to our success. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 일단 결론은 어디있나요? 독립형 에세이에서의 기본적인 구조는 인트로 바디 결론입니다. 결론은 중요한 역활을 맞고 있기 때문에 결론을 꼭 서술해주시길 바랍니다. 전반적으로 내용자체는 좋았습니다. 에세이를 읽어나가면서 왜 우리가 나이 많은 사람들에게 조언을 받아야하는 지를 깨닳게 해주는 에세이였습니다. 하지만 문법적 오류가 많으니 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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