▶ Your Answer :
Some people think there are more important
sections which should be progressed by the government. However, I think the
most effective way to improve the nation’s system is increasing the budget
related to school. In other words, government should focus on the education
part. is to spend money more on school for the following two subsequent reasons.
First, most of the students who are under 20
attends to school. It means that school is responsible to teach them how to
live in this society. Eventually, all of these students became adults, who are
responsible to lead this nation’s future. Therefore, in comparison to others,
school is the most directly effective (affect는 동사입니다 명사가 아닙니다) way to the future and some current issues.
For example, there was an issue related to limiting the contents in the history
text books by government. Most of expert worried that filtered history can’t
help to develop student’s own logic and it leads to worsen the common standard
of future. cannot develop the school's logic leading to worsened future (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) This simple case shows that educational issues should be treated
carefully and properly.
Second, improved situation in teaching the
student can be an initial stage to increasing birth rate bring about rise in birth rate. To be specific, there
are many mothers who are reluctant to give birth to baby because there are
practical problems like financial issues. However, if the school can take care
the baby and children effectively by teaching them properly, mothers can
relieve their stress and many others will be able to have a baby. For instance,
candidate who promised erecting the policy related to birth rate said that he
should improve the situation of school. After he embodied his policy, the birth
rate problem solved partially. Also many mothers interviewed and said it was
great idea to change the school first.
To sum up, I strongly agree that school
should be treated as a prior part to be considered when the government intend
to progress the whole nation.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이는 크게 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째 오류 같은 경우는 불필요한 부연설명들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 설명들은 에세이를 장황하게 만듭니다. 에세이가 장황해 지다 보면 전체적으로 플로우가 방해되니 주의 하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 좀 더 주제와 관련을 지으면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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