▶ Your Answer : Some people think that parents have to prevent their children from watching TV to provoke them to study hard. However, in my opinion, this could make children's situation worse. The reasons are that television usually shows several profitable education and invading children's freedom decrease their will. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다) To begin with, nowadays, many media companies provide educational documentaries for academic purposes. Lots of TV channels are more willing to offer academic contents for increasing the number of people who watch their channel to increase the number of spectators. For example, there was a study conducted by Korean Ministry of media to examine how often TV channels provide their own academic documentaries. The researchers tracked the schedule of 80 broadcasting studios over a 2 year period. What they found was intriguing. They figured out that almost 70 percent of these broadcasts usually shows least three educational contents in one day. This is because the present The present (독립형 에세이에서는 this is because같은 표현은 적절치 않습니다) trends of media contents is to focus on academic sources and many people want to see a lot of educational programs for their kids. On top of that, the restriction of watching television might lessens lessen (might뒤에는 동사 원형을 서술하시길 바랍니다) children's studying will. To be specific, many children are eager to see TV programs to reduce their stress from studying. So, if parents inhibit their children from watching TV, the children will be very upset. For instance, When I was 11 years old, I usually enjoyed to watch a TV show called Boni Honi. The reason why I liked it was that the show gave me numerous funny experiments related to games. So, I could forget about my worries at that moment As the TV program showed numerous funny experiments related to games, I could relieve the stress accumulated from the daily life. However, my mom did not like what I did. She told me that I should study more rather than watch the show. When I listened it, I was very upset and felt stressful. So, I threw my some books. From my experience, prohibiting children from watching television will reduce their eagerness of studying. To sum up, these days, many broadcasts often give useful documentaries and prohibiting children from seeing TV programs will make them angry. In this regard, I firmly believe that parents have to let their children see TV if parents want to make their children to study very hard.
점수: 26 약간의 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분들은 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 오류 이외에는 전체적으로 내용면에 있어서는 아주 잘 서술한 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락에서의 구체적 설명과 적절한 예시를 통하여서 왜 아이들이 티비 프로그램을 봐야하는 지를 명확하게 전달해주는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |