▶ Your Answer :
I have lived in a city that has the
largest number of people per area in Korea. So I’ve always suffered from the high
density of population. Therefore, when I heard that a social house will be
built in our city last year, I naturally paid attention for a social house’s
disadvantages by researching it on the news or books. Meanwhile, I had a chance
to talk about it with my father, and I got to know he has a positive view at
the social house and came to know some advantages of a social house from him. Accordingly, I could think about the influence and some
advantages and disadvantages of social house. (인트로에 있어서 적절치 않는 거 같습니다 훅 도 없고 상대방 의견 특히 본인의 의견 까지도 없습니다)
The direct and immediate influence
of building a social house in a community is increasing population has increased the population. The
advantage of this influence is a stability of house prices. What this means is
that when When a social house is established, more people can buy houses. So an
insufficiency of house will be eased. Honestly, I have an interesting private
episode about this. My sister married last year, so she and her husband had to
find a house to live in in the capital of Korea. But because of a huge
population and lack of houses in the city, the prices of house surged and they
couldn’t get a chance to buy a house easily. So they found another city that
has an abundant number of houses per population so the house prices are much
lower than previous city where the housing price was lower. By doing that In doing so, they could get a house at a lower
price to live in. Due to this experience, I became think that the advantage of
building a social house is a stability of house prices. think the advantage of building a social house is a stability of price (동사가 두 개 입니다)
On the other hand, a disadvantage of
the influence of building a social house, an increase of population is degrading
of living standard of the members in the community. This means when When more people
live in the same area, people come to compete each other to use limited sources
and facilities. I’ll give you a personal experience regarding this factor.
Living in a city that has a high density of population, I’ve often been in
trouble contains a plethora of problem. For example, when I was in high school, a lot of number of student in
a class lowers the education quality. In other words, the teachers couldn’t
care much each of their students carefully, and they just struggled for putting
in order the atmosphere of a class because there were so many students could not take care of children as there were so many students within the class (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). It let
the level of education down. Also, utilizing public transportation was also
difficult to me in the community I live in. Since there were only a limited
number of buses, in the commuting time, I usually couldn’t get on the buses because
the buses were full. So arriving to destination on time was uneasy to me. Like
this, a huge population in a limited area makes people’s lives uneasy.
All things considered, I came to
think that the advantage of building social house is a stability of house
prices and the disadvantage is degrading of living standard for the reasons I have
mentioned above. In conclusion, I think that by considering the advantages and
disadvantages enough, government and citizens in the community can make a
decision whether to build the social house or not in a good way.
점수: 17 일단 지금 이 에세이는 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론까지 너무 장황한 에세이입니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보니 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 에세이가 장황할 뿐만 아니라 구조적으로도 문제가 많습니다. 구조적으로 문제가 많고 주제를 정확하게 파악을 못한 거 같다라는 느낌이 드는 독립형 에세이입니다. 다음부터 는 좀 더 명확하게 주제를 숙지하고 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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