▶ Your Answer : As everything in life is like a coin which has two different sides, people should weigh pros and cons before jumping to conclusions. After all, each and every question of topic require requires (each는 단수 주어 입니다) careful deliberation in that there is always multiple variables to a truth. Even though some adamantly think differently, in my humble opinion, regular work out is one of the most important factors to improve one's health for the following reasons.
First and foremost, few people would deny that exercising guarantees the improvement of health exercise leads to improving health. If people only get enough sleep or have a positive attitude and fit their life in stationary manner, they will become more vulnerable to various diseases. Hence, exercise is the most direct and important determinant for health (어떤 부분에 있어서 우리의 건강을 더 향상시키는지 구체적으로 서술해 주시길 바랍니다).To make my point more thoroughly, i will take a case of the sick. Many people with a chronic physical disease are generally recommended to work out regularly by their doctors in the hospitals. By walking and hanging around the park, they could gradually recover from their sickness.
On top of that, exercising also has a beneficial impact on people's mental health people's mental health can be recovered. What i mean is that people People (what i mean is~같은 표현은 적절치 않습니다) with more active life tend to see their life in more positive way. To elucidate my claim, i will take my personal experience. When i was a freshman in a college. my weight was verging on almost 110 kg and inclined to be lazy toward all of tasks in daily life. Also i posed a cynical attitude toward all situations around me and did not like to meet new people. However by losing my weight with exercising hard, i could not only lose almost 40 kg but also broaden my horizon of the world (왜 살을 빼는 것이 본인의 견해가 나아지게 되는 건가요?). I refreshed my attitude toward my life and became more positive and passionate by attaining active lifestyle. I could make lots of my friends by acting in kind manner and stay on top of my daily duties (마지막 문장은 본인의 이유와 상관이 없는 거 같습니다).
In summation To sum up, it is virtually impossible to provide completely satisfying answer to the open-ended question. Although the jury may be out this given topic, we can come a mutual agreement that vigorous life from regular exercise cannot be overestimated enough to improve people's health.
점수: 24 일단 지금 이 에세이는 설명이 구체적으로 되어야 하는 부분들이 몇몇 있습니다. 각 단락에서 설명들이 구체화가 되어야 지만 본인의 의견이 더 완벽하게 사람들한테 전달 될 거 같습니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이에서 아쉬운 부분은 두 번째 단락 마지막 문장입니다. 이 마지막 문장은 이유와 무슨 상관이 있는지 파악조차 되어지지 않습니다. 숙지하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |