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On account of progressing computer technology, we are now enjoying convenient life for any region. Thus, some people, including interested group that is interwoven with the computer or many experts who engage in IoT company, have plead that governments should invest more these fields as possible on these fields. However, I think that the fund should be spent on more basic needs following for the subsequent two reasons for the following two subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, it is one of the pivotal tasks for the government to overcome the polarization in one nation government can tackle with the polarization. Most of the countries have been gone through a series of severe economic woes have confronted with the serious economic recession. Aftermath to such constant ordeals, the polarization would be further so each government that was suffered from financial crisis has tried to reduce the income differential rather than investing the computer technology would become worsened so government has to reduce the income to cope with such situation. For example, In the case of South Korea, the parliament consented to shrink the budget about computer science at 3 per cent over the last year. Instead, it agreed to increase the budget to support dual incomes. On top of that, sanitary pads for the poor students and the low-lent housing for some new-married couples were offered. (예시를 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다)
Second, computer technology is not developed any more will not be developed. When Windows 95 was released in 1995, A lot of users were drawn into the computer a lot of users were into the computer (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다) However, many users were not madly excited with other operations such as Windows XP, windows 10 so on and Window 10. This implies that technology on computer has been fully developed so it is the time when the government cut down the computer technology to some extent. For example, When I was in the university, the computer science college was incorporated in engineer college in 2011. The university was run by the governments. One of the reasons it was annexed another college was that the government stopped fund-arising it due to the dull development of computer technology.
In a nutshell , I think that governments spend more money on basic needs rather than computer technology because it is more vital to shrink the salary gap between the rich and the poor and nowadays computer technology is mostly developed.
점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 인트로 부터 시작하여서 결론 까지 전체적으로 정리가 덜되었다라고 느껴지는 에세이입니다. 특히 각 단락의 예시들이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 항상 예시를 선정할 때 주제에 초점을 두면서 벗어나지 않게 주의하면서 선정하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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