▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether it is
better to be more like others than to be different from others to succeed. This
is intriguing question. because opinions regarding this issue can be different
from individual perspectives. depending on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that people
must have distinguished characteristics. for the following reasons.
First
of all, it is crucial to being unique person. To survive the endless of the
competition in this world the endless competition, this (this의 구체적 대상이 무엇인가요?) as a result allows people to gain more chances.
Everyone is aware that taking a job without noticeable ability is like a camel
passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. so in order to stand out, people
must know that being different from others is beneficial Having a different and special ability leads to success. To illustrate, I read
online that Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, have accomplishments has accomplishments. He
did this by distinguishing from others. He has everyday sponsored meeting, where
he got important many knowledge, information and so on and information. When he felt a threat
from other companies, he made the i-phone, which is the main subject of Apple.
In this sense, people pay attention to having characteristics.
On
top of that, getting a difference from people means taking a lot of experience
than others. I believe that the experience is essential in contemporary
society. Imagine that people have a textbook knowledge, their views will be so
narrow. society is increasingly globalized As society has become globalized, company require requires (company는 단수 주어 입니다) a person with a
wide variety of experience. after taking lots of trip, reading great materials,
listening advice from others, we will be able to have a difference. For
example, when I had a chance to join Korean-Business Association for appearing
the person who conclude whether I gain a job, I have spoken my experiences. I
took a many event from my major field of university, and studied various topic
of economic and library information science. eventually, I get the chance, and
heard that why I was chosen. The reason is that I was looked like vary special
person from many experiences. Hence this shows that experience is have
positively impact on success.
In
conclusion, I firmly believe that one of the success's factors is being
different from others. All things considered, It is my belief that my argument
concerning this topic has been completely and precisely delivered with the
reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget the that this issue may have a
huge impact on our future.
점수: 22 일단 각 단락들을 읽으면서 느낀 것은 예시들이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 예시 자체가 주제를 벗어나서 각 단락이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어려웠습니다. 또한 전체적인 설명이 모호한 거 같습니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 설명을 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 단수 복수 주어에 따른 동사 형태에 대한 오류들이 많습니다. 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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