▶ Your Answer :There is one thing that we cannot live without. We are holding it inside and outside of house. Even in the bed, that will be probably on your hand. It called cell phone. Nowadays, people do not bring their wallet with them. Instead of wallet, they use mobile payment or mobile card. There is a lots are lots of useful functions in cell phone. People can talk with their friends even if they are living in different country. Sending text is one of the easiest way to have conversation with someone. However, why people are still feel lonely and alone when they are far away from their family? I will describe a reasons by following paragraph. One main reason that why our cell phone is not helpful to family relationship is affection and love cannot send by wire. For example, single exclamation mark and double exclamation mark gives different impression. However in real life, everyone understand understands without exclamation mark and do not care how many of marks you are trying to use. Also, although you do not mean that way, a person who saw that text or listened voice can misunderstand it. Not like actual talking, conversation with using cell phone cannot see each other’s face, eyes, and body language. Since these things are very important when we are talking. They decide your feeling when you heard a sentence. A word is not everything. Likewise, a technology had been advanced significantly, still we need to see each other’s face. Especially in family relationship, showing your love to family member is important. Therefore, cell phone is not a great way to talk with people. Fair: 17~23 점수: 17 일단 너무 구어체입니다. 에세이 형태에 있어서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다. 이인칭 주어 보다는 삼인칭 주어를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 구조적이지 않습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 인트로 바디 결론이 있어야 하는데 이 에세이는 인트로도 그렇고 바디도 그렇고 독립형 에세이 구조에 맞춰서 서술되지 않았습니다. 또한 각 단락에서 무슨 말을 하려고 하는지 모르겟습니다. 이 에세이의 주제가 무엇이고 본인의 의견이 뭐인지를 명확하게 파악할 수 없었던 에세이였습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |