▶ Your Answer :
In the contemporary world, people always have a lot of work and face in dilemma between their family and their career. In my opinion, Working should be a priority rather than spending time with their family members. I think this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay working should become priority for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, it is more reasonable to work hard, considering their career. They live in a competitive world, so they should give their best shots to survive this world. If they put emphasis on their family than working, their ability might be clouded by other’s ability. It could make them and their family members very stressed out since they might be losing their job. For example, I will talk about my peer, ERIKA. She concentrated on raising her baby rather than the company. So she could not promote her career. Unlike her, I only concentrate on my job and usually participated in big projects. At the end of my effort, next month, I will be promoted.
On top of that, by working hard people should make a lot of money. I believe that money is the most important thing deciding one’s life of quality even one’s family. If they did the best for working to work in the past and saved a lot of money for the future. They can go on a trip and eat delicious foods with their family. However, If they have financial trouble, they cannot spend (동사가 없습니다) anything with their family since all of their family members has to work have to work (members는 복수 주어 입니다). For instances, when I was a middle school student, my family’s financial situations were bad. So all of my family members never laughed and talked with each other. Fortunately, as my father’s educational business flourished, my family did not care about financial circumstances. My family also gets to live in perfect harmony, and that time, I have realized that money is the prerequisite of a happy life. To sum up, rather than spending time with family, people who concentrate on their job can lead to a more successful life. Moreover, having a significant amount of annual salary by working hard is a wise way to make family members be happy. In this regard, I strongly prefer to work hard rather than to spend time with family.
점수: 26 약간의 문법적 오류들이 있습니다. 특히 단수 복수 주어에 따른 동사 형태 부분에 있어서 오류가 있으니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하면 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 각 단락에서의 구체적 설명들을 통하여서 왜 우리가 가족을 부양하는 것 보다는 일하는 것이 더 좋은지를 잘 설명해 주고 있습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |