▶ Your Answer :
In general, the consensus views seems to be that technology has made our children more creative than in the past. In my opinion, however, I strongly believe that technology is an impediment for children’s thinking ability and hinders their imaginative activities for the following two subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, modern children become fall apart with books because there are many technological devices that have intriguing and exciting elements television makes children less interest on reading books. It is clear that reading a book helps children to increase the level of the imagination and think out of the box. Unfortunately, since modern children have less time to be exposed to reading materials, it affects their the ability to think creatively ingenuity. For example, I will give an example of myself. When when (i will give~는 구어체 표현 입니다) I was an elementary school student, I relished reading books in terms of science regularly every evening. Through such a hobby, I could think originally while studying my homework. However, after my parents bought electronic devices such as a MacBook, an IPad, and television, my time to read books was reduced by the technological devices that could give me entertainment and fun. Consequently, I could not finish a single book in one year.
In addition, today’s children have a high level of dependence since they tend to rely on the Internet while dealing with everything. To be specific, although the Internet can give people a myriad of information, it disturbs children’s creative thinking. This is mainly due to the fact that the The (this is due to~같은 표현은 독립형 에세이에서는 적절하지 않습니다) Internet instills standard thoughts and instant information that does not require any effort. For instance, there was a poll conducted by the Social and Education Organization in Korea with 300 Korean parents of current elementary school students as respondents. The purpose of the survey is to understand the thoughts about the Internet’s negative and positive effects. The majority of participants replied that they think about the Internet as an impediment that hinders children’s thinking ability. An overwhelming 79 percent responded that they do not allow their children to utilize computers when their kids do homework and discussion.
In conclusion, it is a negative stereotype to think that advanced technology gives us valuable opportunities considering two facts. Technological devices made children isolated with books, also hinder children’s creative activities. In this regard, children should not be less exposed to electronic devices.
점수: 26 정리가 잘 되어 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 비록 정리가 되어 있긴 하지만 지금 이 에세이는 약간의 불필요한 부연설명들과 적절하지 않는 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하면 전체적으로 잦신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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