▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that being able to work working with other people is not critical than it was before. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, people working with strangers increased currently. Second, thanks to developed technology, it is more convenience and safe to work alone. (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, there are a lot of opportunities to work with strangers because recent tasks do not require a face-to-face work. Therefore, people get to be possible to work in only web based condition (이 부분은 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인가요? 설명이 필요합니다). Since they do not know about each other specifically, there are always some risks (어떤 위험성이 따라오는지 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다). For example, when I did teamwork at the university last month, the professor allocated team members randomly. The members did not meet, but communicated only on the web mail. Then, a member of our team abruptly disappeared. Since I had no information about him, there were no ways to solve the problem. If we had met before, or did our work on off-line like the past, he might get more responsibility and did not vanished. (예시의 중요성을 모르겠습니다)
On top of that, working alone is more convenience and people do not have to accept risks than working with other people. Over the past few decades, internet technologies have developed and people get to more utilize it. Thus, a person able to work diverse things such as directing, promoting and even advertising through the web sites. There is a survey conducted by 64D institution showing quietly apparent results. The researchers investigated a level of working satisfaction and compared two groups. One group who working alone is 68% higher than the other group, and they explain that there is no distraction or opinion conflict from other people, so they could more satisfy with the work when they work alone. In conclusion, lack of other’s distraction make people do much better.
To sum up, working with other has many risks. Moreover, modern technologies enable people to work alone and rise their satisfaction. In these regards, I firmly agree with that being able to work with other people is more critical than it was before.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 전체적으로 설명이 구체적이지 않습니다. 설명이 구체적이지 않다 보니 몇 몇 문장들은 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다. 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠다 보니 전체적인 플로우가 방해를 받게 되었습니다. 또한 각 단락 예시의 중요성을 모르겠습니다. 이유를 서포트 하지 않습니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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