▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that parents should spend a lot of time playing games of sports with their children. While other do not think so. Personally, I think parents spend more time playing games of sports with their children rather than doing schoolwork with them for following suqsequent two reasons. To begin with, for children, playing sports with their parents help them keep mentally healthy. healthy mind.(단어를 조금만 바꿔도 문장 전체 의미가 달라집니다 주의해서 작성해주세요) Many students in Korea suffer from mental disorder. For instance, they can not focus on their study during class. According to the study conducted by Korea university, this kind of student’s parents do not pay attention to spend time with them. They force them to study only. This experinect might be the traumatic memory for them. As they grow up, they tend to suffer from mental disorder such like ADHD. For example, when I was young, my parents spend (spend과거형은 spent입니다 a lot of time playing sports with me. As time goes on, I had no problem with my mental. However, some of my friends suffered from mental disorder. They spended less time with parents than me. Their parents were very stuborn. They ask their children to study only. This bad memory interrupt them when they study.(약간 off topic같아 보입니다) On the top of that, by playing sports with parent, children can keep be physically healthy. children obesity is severe issue in korea. Most obesity children’s parents do not encourage them to play sports outside. Many expert claim that parents should spend a lot of time playing sports with children since children do not know why they need to exercise. Children have no motivation; thus if parnets do not encourage them playing sports, children will do not exercise at all. This situation lead to occur obesity. Children obesity is more dangerouse than adult obesity. This is because over-weight children produce more sexual hormone than normal children. It disrrupts their growth. Moreover overweigh children prone to suffer from desease such like diabet. To sum up, playing sports help children can keep mentally and physically healthy. In this reagard, I think parents should spned a lot of time playing games of sports rather than doing schoolwork.
우선 전체적인 문법 오류가 너무 많습니다 해석이 아예 되지 않는 문장도 있는데, 주의해서 문법 다시 봐주세요 spelling오류 너무 많습니다 몰라서 틀린것도 아닌 거 같은데 proof reading제대로 해주세요 spend의 과거형/encourage 다음에 to 등등 기본적인 문법 오류가 많습니다. 제 생각엔 에세이 공부보다는 문장쓰기 연습을 충분히 하고, 에세이로 넘어 오시면 좋을 것 같습니다. |