▶ Your Answer :
As a small movement of the automobile in 1800s established foothold in automobile industry, Since the small movement of the automobile had provided the foothold of the nowadays new automobile industry in 1800s, the transportation, which that had ever seemed to be preposterous/impossible, has been developed as a tool up to the limit that people can use as always. However, while some deems it as a revolution, others reassert it gives harmful effects (to people) these harms of the automobiles. I definitely agree with the insist that Definitely, it provokes a lot of harms to us, which is I’m of the same opinion.
Suppose the way you are now driving. The air is coming in to the car through the windows(,) and the sunlight across trees is lightening granting you. However, what do you think if these will not happen due to the car you are driving this will be preposterous in future because of the car you are driving, what will you think? According to some research, the glaciers are melting being melted because of the destruction of ozone layer the harmed Ozone layer. That is derived by from the waste of gas released from cars. This causation will 1. make sun light severely, which will be the irreversibly negative factor for human beings.
1. 여기서 severely 는 심하게 라는 부사로 쓰였는데요. 햇빛을 심하게 한다는 말이 추상적일 수 있습니다. 햇빛을 위험요소로 만든다 등의 표현이 구체적이고 이해하기 쉽습니다.
Secondly, there is an additional(,) and more crucial view we should think about. The environment is losing its self-purification capacity(,) and the dangerous severe sun light will be exposed extraordinarily to organisms because of the people driving cars. Both will perish not only us(,) but animals living in the desolated forest desolated by due to the lack of self-purification and plant will be desolated by the severe lights like ultraviolet rays , which is not invisible(,) but will be visible.
1. 표시된 부분은 상당히 유사한 단어들로 구성된 문장입니다. 결과적으로 한 문단에 같은 말만 반복한 셈입니다. 따라서 주장을 심도있게 다뤄줄 필요가 있습니다.
In a nutshell, there are many reasons why this 1. serious problem takes took place; however, 2. I deem that with the combined efforts of the government and the people, a solution to it can be devised..
1. Serious problem은 과거에서 끝난 문제가 아니라 현재에도 계속 되고 있는 것이므로 현재형으로 takes place라고 써줍니다.
2. 영어에서는 하고자하는 말을 먼저 써줍니다. I think that solutions regarding this matter can be devised with the combined efforts of the government and people.
l Conclusion 부분은 앞에서 주장한 내용들을 정리해줘야합니다. 해결책이 마련될 것이라는 말보다는 요약 및 정리해주는 것이 좋습니다.
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