주제는 학생들의 점수에 따라? 아니면 노력에 따라? 상을 줘야하나..입니다. |
Some people argue that award(s) should be given to the students who really did hard on something(something 과 같은 애매한 표현 쓰지 마시구요. study 이렇게 해주심이 더 나을듯.). Although I think(think.. 앞에서 첨삭해드려서 더 이상 지적은 안할께요.^^) that how much they effort(effort는 명사죠. how much efforts they make 로 고치시길) on study is a good point, I firmly agree that reward(s) should be given to the students according to the score (they get). The rationales(-s 빼세요) behind this are(is) that one's effort is not objective as well as score provides standard criteria. (이거 문장이 이상하군요. 아마 이런말 하실려고 했던듯.. ~one's effort is not as objective as the score which provides standard criteria to evaluate students.) In addition, student's sincere effort leads to a good score even though it will take long time. First of all, it is hard to evaluate student's endeavor. Since one's effort on study is generally invisible, it cannot be measured quantitatively. For example, when I was (in) high school, one of my friends usually studied in his house, and(but) he did not (do) well in school because he was a night owl student. Thus my teacher could not know how he studies hard (how hard he studied). It is not everything which is visible. -> 예가 좀 많이 빈약하지 않나요? 제 생각에는 빈약한거 같습니다. 그리고 thesis를 님의 주장의 반대의 단점을 들었는데, 이것도 괜찮지만 될 수 있으면 님의 주장의 “장점”을 나열하는게 글을 훨씬 더 효과적으로 만들 수 있어요. Secondly, score provides standard criteria of student's excellence and their efforts. In other words, it is more objective and more persuasive. For instance, when an admission committee in a university is about to evaluate the applicant’s document, they will measure the potential of applicants based on the score(s) of SAT, GRE, TOEFL, and other kinds(types를 쓰시는걸 추천해드립니다.) of test. Since those tell us the(지우세요) one's academic excellence more accurately, those score results(results 는 빼도 될 듯...? 그냥 scores도 괜찮을거 같아요.) are important factors in order to get an admission from a university. (In this respect 써주시면 더 좋을 듯) Score is not only objective, but also self-evident. Finally, student's(students') devotion (어디에 대한 헌신이죠? to study) lead(s) (them) (to) (a) good result in the end. If a student does not get a good score in spite of hard endeavor, it would not be a right time.(right time? 이건 뭐지요? 무슨 말인지 잘 모르겠습니다;;) Note that an excellent score is not a result of one night. Rather, it will take enough(long이 더 나을거 같네요. 앞에 나온 one night 과 대비되도록) periods. From my personal experience, I (was) often frustrated by the result of TOEFL score even after hard studies. But it was not a simple task. TOEFL test needed (a) variety (of) skill(s) of communicating(to communicate) in English(,) and I realized soon that it takes a long time in order to get the hang of it. To sum up, since effort is both invisible and not an objective standard, score is (a) more subjective(이거 잘 못쓰셨죠? 위에서는 분명히 score 가 객관적이라고 했는데 갑자기 subjective;;) criterion for awarding student(s). Moreover, a good score represent(s) the long lasted endeavor.(오래 지속된 노력이라.. 말은 되는데 이게 영어다운 표현인지는 모르겠습니다. 저도 토종이라..하하;;) 총평 : 글을 좀 어렵게 쓰려고 하지 마시구요. 최대한 쉽게 쉽게 쓰시는게 좋은거 같아요. 어려운 단어를 쓴다고 어려운 글이 아니라...뭐랄까... 너무 추상적으로? 나가면 서로 힘들어지는거 같아요. 그리고 문단의 개수에 비해 글자수가 좀 적은 거 같습니다. 그러다보니 한 문단에 핵심을 싣기에 문장의 수가 2~3개정도 부족한거 같아요. 좀더 연습하셔서 글자수를 약 450~480자 정도까지 늘리시면 충분히 하고 싶으신 말씀 다 하실수 있을거 같습니다. 지금은 내용에 비해 설명글이 좀 부족해요. 열심히 하시길.^^ 아. 그리고 요즘 제가 바빠서 자주 못오지만, 약속은 지키겠습니다. 나머지것도 조만간 해드릴께요. |