▶ Your Answer : Some people think that test scores decrease student's learning motivation. However, in my opinion, providing grades makes (providing 과 호응됩니다.) students study hard. The reasons are that grades can become an impetus for student's achievement, and show an advancement of academic skills of student. To begin with, students' achievement can be encouraged by grades as an outside incentive. They study hard to get good grades of some subjects even though they do not like the subjects. For example, I really hated to study sociology in my highschool during high school. Because This was because (그냥 because 만 있으면 비문입니다.), the subject had lots of things which I do did not want to know and was so boring. I was very stressful to learn sociology. However, I needed a scholarship so, I had to also still had to study the subject. And, even though I disliked it, I thought I should study sociology hard to get great grade for scholarship. (결국 앞의 내용과 비슷하기 때문에 둘 중 하나만 골라서 더 자연스럽게 이어주세요.) Consequently, I got a good score of sociology in the midterm exam. On top of that, grades provide students with evidence of academic progress. To be specific, if the grades are not exposed, students cannot determine how well they are doing in particular subjects. For instance, there was a poll conducted by Korean Minister of education with university students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand consensus view about the important role of grades for academic advancement. The majority of the respondents admitted the statement. An 86% overwhelming 86% of respondents had responded that test scores have an extreme influence on developing their academic skills since grades give several information about what subjects they study very well and do not. This survey proves that many people have a positive view of the significant significance role of grades for academic progress. To sum up, offering test scores to students can provoke students them to study eagerly and manifest some proofs that students have advanced in their academic abilities. In this regard, i I firmly believe that giving students test scores is able to positively affect has a positive effect on their studies studying.
총평: 본론 첫 번째 문단의 예시에서는 내용을 전달하는 과정 아래 불필요하게 중복되는 설명이 있기 때문에 이를 통합하고 더 간결하게 핵심만 전달해주시는 게 깔끔합니다. 문법 관련해서는 관사 오류가 종종 보이므로 이 부분에 더 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같고요. 수고하셨습니다 :) |