▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, many people might think the majority of business owner
are driven solely by the pursuit of wealth. However, in my opinion, I disagree
with the business owners seek for the money only. I feel this way for two
reasons, which I will explore in the following essay for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin
with, many companies donate a lot of money to charities. This is because, each Each (this is because는 표현적으로 적절하지 않습니다) company thinks everyone is their customer so they would like to give
contribution for the one especially who really needs help such as the elderly
and the disabled. For example, Bill Gates who is a philanthropist contributed
to a myriad of organizations and health institution which required financial aid
was donated by him. In addition, Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook
have given donation for people in need, as well has given donation to charity those in need.
On
top of that, for some business owners does not think making money is their only goal this is because, they want to disseminate their ideology through the
work they set up do not consider money as the ultimate goal but to disseminate their ideology. Therefore their aim not only is to gain abundance but their goal is also to
spread out the business philosophy is to gain abundance and spread out the business philosophy. For instance, my cousin achieved his goal
that he wanted to be a shoe designer. He made a pair of shoes for announcing to announce
the importance of contribution to the world as he already realized the
happiness and warmness of helping people and wanted to share those heart with
others. Thus, the end of his work is to contribute a lot of money for the third
world children.
To
sum up, charities are donated lots of financial aid by many companies. Moreover,
the business owners would like to spread the thought through their company. For
these reason, I mentioned above I disagree with the majority of CEO are driven
only by the pursuit of abundance
점수: 22 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많는 독립형 에세이입니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해하게 됩니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 첫 번째 단락 예시 같은 경우는 이러한 단락에 적절하지 않습니다. 좀 더 이유와 관련된 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |