▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is better to get
a job that the one can enjoy during the work one can enjoy. However, in my opinion, people
should get a job with high income. This is because financial issue is always
top priority in terms of human’s life and money gives you broad range of the
choice that you can enjoy. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To
begin with, monetary problem is always most people’s top concern. No matter
people enjoy their job and always happy with, they are not able to sustain could not sustain basic daily requirement without money. For example, people whose field is
ceramics choose their job because they realized that they can enjoy. This kind
of job give Such job gives them lower income by comparison to of running a business in comparison to running a business. Also,
when they form a family, becoming a breadwinner they gradually get pressure to
feed their child or get them proper education. Therefore, they usually decide
to have part-time job as means of auxiliary revenue, which makes them
unenjoyable their life.
On
top of that, High income gives you alternative ways to enjoy your life high income enhances the quality of life. To be
specific, many activities that give us enjoyable moments typically entail huge
amount of money. As you own huge salary, this kind of experiences are
reachable With high income, people can achieve (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다). For instance, I have friend of mine who has switched his career to
restaurant business from handicraft. Even though he loved to make handmade
pottery, he had no choice to change the job in order to go through other types
of activities such as sky diving and playing golf. Now that his restaurant has
been prospered with over 100 employees and given him affordable wealthy, he
does not have to worry about financial shortage anymore.
To
sum up, everything is not able to be preceded money in these days. People
happen to consider their income as a top priority when they face to financial
crisis. Also, it is more likely to have enjoyable moment when people have
enough money to afford it. In this regard, I believe choosing the job that
provide you with high salary is more wise way than the one that you can just
enjoy to do.
점수: 24 일단 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 주기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 재외하면 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|