▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, safety plays a significant role in people’s
daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think
that to attracting more tourists, the governments should hire some police for
safety, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support
their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that the government
should repair the old buildings and streets to attract more tourists.
To begin with, if the governments repair old buildings
and streets, tourists will increase. When the appearance of old buildings and
streets such as loads and toilets improve well, tourists may feel comfortable
and enjoy the attraction. So, tourists who went to that attraction will visit
again the places and finally increase. On the other hand, Hiring police make
for tourists to feel they are being watched and controlled although these
policies might improve safety.
For example, when I was 8 years old, I visited Beijing
during my vacation. There are so many police officers that made me unrest.
Furthermore, roads and toilets were old. Unpaved roads made it difficult to
move to other areas. By doing these experiences, I thought that I didn’t want
to visit Beijing anymore. Finally, I have never been to China for 10 years. However,
last year, I went to Beijing again for my conference and I surprised. There were
no police in the street rather than the past. Moreover, many buildings in
Beijing had good qualities that made me comfortable for sightseeing. Roads and pavement
were even repaired. Thanks to these changes, I could more easily move to other
places than in the past and enjoy the conference.
After all, I went to Beijing every vacation and recommended
there as the best attraction to my family. Thanks to these advantages that
buildings and streets were well repaired, many tourists around the world visit
China.
If many policeman had been placed in Beijing still,
China would not have been able to attract tourists.
paragraph를 이런 식으로 나누면 헷갈립니다. 그럼 이유 적은 paragraph가 1개인건가요? reason paragraph가 2-3개가 적당한데 그렇지 않다 보니까 주장에 대한 설득력이 약간은 부족했던 것 같습니다. 어휘는 잘 사용하였습니다. (조금 더 다양하게 쓴다면 훨씬 좋을 것 같아요
마지막에 conclusion 들어가면서 thanks to these advantages보다는 직접적으로 그 advantage를 적었다면 좋았을 것 같습니다
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