이 게시판에 오면 Future님이라는 고수분이 계시다고 해서 왔더니 진짜네요...글의 전개방식도 좋고 이유, 근거, 예시까지 훌륭합니다. 부끄럽지만, 제나름대로 몇가지 제안(절대 수정이 아닙니다)을 해 볼게요.
As many television programs become varied, many people allow their children to watch television whenever they want to. These people argue that some programs are very educational, which help their children to broaden their knowledge base. While it is partially true, I believe that watching television has negative impacts on children. The rationale behind this includes many violent programs, addiction, and worsening family relationship.
1. 첫번째 문장에서 varied는 change의 의미가 너무 강해서 오해하기 쉬우니 various로 하심이 어떨지요...
2. 두번째 문장과 세번째 문장을 좀 더 명확한 의미전달과 양놈들 표현방식과 좀 더 비슷하게
바꿔보면 어떨까 합니다. 예를 들면...
It is certainly true that some programs are very educational and beneficial. However, warching television usually brings about negative effects on children because of its harmful characteristics. Therefore, I strongly believe that watching TV is bad for children for several importanrt reasons such as violent programs, addiction, and worsening family relationship.
More than anything else, a number of television programs contain negative scenes. It is not uncommon to watch many programs which deal with adultery, gangster life, and violence. What is worse, these programs are even showed at evening time when many children are still awake. Last winter, there was a serious incident in Korea. A junior high school girl was raped many times by same-aged boys and was left to die with freezing weather. The criminals, boys, confessed that they just did that out of their curiosity, which could be commonly seen from television drama. This tragedy clearly indicates that bad programs on TV encourage children to imitate undesirable behaviors.
1. 첫 문장의 negative scenes는 improper scenes로 하심이 어떨지요...
2. 5번째 문장의 die with freezing weather는 die in frigid weather로 하심이...
Next, children often become addicted to the television. Because childhood is very important period for kids to study, cartoons on television takes children off a great amount of time to improve their academic skills. For instance, when I was ten years old, I was crazy about television cartoons such as superman and spiderman. Even though I had a very important examination the next day, I could not stop watching television, which took me more than two hours. As a result, I got very poor grades on the test and felt very regretful. Judging from my personal experience, television programs, especially interesting cartoons, makes kids glue themselves to the television set, leading them to fail academically.
1. 첫문장은 addicted to the television contents로 마무리 하심이 좋을듯...TV에 중독된다 보다는 TV contents에 중독된다가 더 낫지 않을까요?
2. 2번째 문장에서 to improve의 의미상의 주어가 cartoons on TV로 오해될 소지가 있으니 time을 받아주는 관계대명사를 사용하시면 어떨까요?...그리고 cartoons가 복수니까 takes는 take로 하심이 어떨까요?
cartoons on television take children off a great amount of time which could be used to improve their academic skills.
3. 마지막 문장에서 Judging을 현재분사구문으로 쓰신것 같은데, 만약 그렇다면 주절의 주어는 TV program보다는 judge를 할 수 있는 사람으로 쓰시는게 좋지 않을까요? I think that을 삽입하시면 될 듯 합니다.
Finally, television viewing often makes family relationship fragile. Since many children prefer watching interesting contents through television, they lose many chances to share conversation with other family members, often resulting in family conflicts. Last week, I saw an article from a newspaper that a mother had difficulty controling her girl. She did not seem to listen to her mother's word, only concentrating on cartoons on television. Consequently, their relationship had broken, and thus the mother was seeking for helping hands from other social members. From this surprising article, we can say that television surely affects badly on family bonding.
1. 사소한 의견들 입니다.
often makes family relationship fragile --> often damages family relationship
difficulty controling her girl --> difficulty in controlling her daughter her mother's word --> her mother's words
television surely affects badly on ~ --> television surely adversely affects on ~
To sum up, I firmly believe that watching television have had bad influences on crimes, academic fulfillment, and family relationship of children. Some people might believe that I am too focusing on the negative aspects of television, excluding educational benefits and entertainment. However, they have to remember the reason many people, even many sociologists, call the television "an idiot box."
1. 역시 사소한 의견입니다.
remember the reason many people ~ --> remember the reason why many people ~
주제넘게 몇자 적어 봤습니다. 훌륭한 글에 괜한 불편을 끼친게 아닌지 모르겠습니다.
너그러운 마음으로 이해해 주시고요...저도 가끔 올릴테니까 많이 지도해 주시기 바랍니다.
Writing에서 꼭 30점 만점 받으시길 기원합니다.
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