▶ Your Answer : Some people think that young people need to choose dissimilar jobs for themselves ('그들은 그들과 다른 직업을 선택해야 한다' 딱봐도 오류가 있죠. 핵심 단어를 빼먹지 않도록 주의해주세요!). However, in my opinion, people can benefit from selecting homogeneous (사실 이런 단어를 사용하는 건 의미상 통하긴 하는데 너무 이질감이 크게 듭니다.) career as their parents. The reasons are that they are able to get profitable tips about their parents' job and use parents' network. To begin with, young people can receive useful advice when they have the same career as their parents. This is because their parents have already gained a lot of knowledge due to work experience. For example, My father is engineer and has worked at a car manufacturer. So (문장을 and but so 로 시작하지 말아주세요!) he has numerous skills about engineering. Also, from influence of my father I thought began to think that engineering is a very gorgeous work field and I wanted to become an engineer. When I had difficulty to learn difficulties in learning engineering physics, he was willing to give me some advices which he acquired from his experience. So (여기도 마찬가지이고요.), I was able to have lots of knowledge about engineering physics. On top of that, it (문단에 처음 등장하는 사항은 원관념을 밝혀 적어주세요!) will be a good chance for young people to make use of their parents' connections. To be specific, they can utilize parents' network to meet new people related to parent's work the field and create useful business partnerships. For instance, there was a poll conducted by Korean Minister of employment with businessmen as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand a consensus view about influence of their parents' connection. The majority of the respondents admitted the statement. An 92% overwhelming had responded that parents play important role in developing their children's career relationship since parents have already met lots of business people and this networking could have significant influence on helping their children to make their own business network. This survey proves that many people have a positive view of significance of their parents' connection. (지금과 같이 문단의 핵심과 관련지어 설문의 내용을 언급하는 건 좋은데, 불필요한 사족은 잘라내고 조금 더 간결하게 적어주실 필요는 있습니다.) To sum up, young people who will select same jobs as their parents are able to acquire excellent guidance and benefit from parents' business network. In this regard, I firmly believe that it is better to choose same career as their parents than to find another way.
총평: 전반적으로 큰 문제 없이 잘 적어주시긴 했는데, 문장을 and but so 로 시작해서는 안 되는 것이나, 설문 구성 등에서 조금만 더 신경써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 글에 반복되는 단어가 다소 많은 편이에요. 동의어와 생략 등을 적절히 활용해서 반복되는 단어를 대체해주시면 좋아요. 수고하셨습니다 :) |