▶ Your Answer : If I could change only one thing about our country, I would change a election system in Korea. To be specific, I would restrict elders, over 70s to vote.
First and foremost, the rising generation contribute to society than the elders do. 20s to 40s moves the country by having a career. In contrast, the elders, over 60s almost retire from their job. They do not have reasons for studying or developing themselves to study or develop. All the time they spend is to watch tv, have journey in abroad or take care of their kids. Not all but most elders do not spend their time to get in to the society and work hard for the future. However, the rising generation makes most of the revolution. They study hard for their after time and develop themselves by practicing, studying, and working. Those acts make society progressed.
Next, lots of elders have mental problems, which influence country badly through voting. Most Alzheimer patients are elders. We cannot restrict all mental patients from voting due to their right to elect. However, as the government restricts under 18 to vote, what if the government restricts (government는 단수 주어 입니다) elders to vote, where most Alzheimer locates? At least, there would be no longer presidential candidates advertising themselves to dementia patients. I believe getting older means getting younger (이 부분이 하고자하는 말이 무엇인가요? 이해가 되지 않습니다). Some people support their parents. It's because most of the old can not control their own bodies, even their mind. How is it possible those kind of people vote for the country? As the voting restriction made for under 18, I think restriction for elders is necessary.
To sum up, if I could change a thing about our country, I would restrict elders to vote. I suggested two reasons, the rising generation contribute to society than the elders do, and lots of elders have mental problems, which influence country badly through voting.
점수: 22 일단 두 번째 단락 설명이 많이 모호합니다. 이 설명을 통하여서 왜 나이 든 사람들은 투표를 할 수 없는 지를 명확하게 설득력 있게 설명하고 있지는 않는 거 같습니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 왜 이러한 부분이 필요한지를 설명하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 의문형 문장은 독립형 에세이에서는 좋지 않습니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |