▶ Your Answer : If economic were damaged the economy is in a crisis, the government will try to find different ways to solve the problem and people may think scientific research is the most crucial part of it. However, i I believe that governments should reduce spendings on scientific research for the following two subsequent reasons.
First, Scientific scientific research can bring danger into people's lives. It is true that scientific research has made us much easier to live but it also brought us many conflicts especially related to ethics and the environment part. Most people agree with developing science due to their sake selfishly. So (문장을 and but so 로 시작해서는 안 됩니다.) it leads them to destroy forests and make many factory to get resources from there. These are the reasons why global warming is getting worse and it gives rise to an abnormal weather, disasters and a scarcity of resources. I believe if governments try to invest more money on scientific research, there will not be any environmentally friendly spaces left be no remain environmentally friendly spaces and a society where human rights are respected.
Second, Scientific scientific researching isn't is not (에세이에서는 줄임말을 사용하지 말아주세요!) helpful to recover economy. There are already numerous science achievement to gain money and have limitation to develop (돈은 많이 벌었지만 이제 더이상 발전에 있어서 한계가 있다는 뜻인가요?). To invent something revolutionary, governments have to provide more money and times on it. But (여기도 윗 문단과 마찬가지이고요.) what i want to emphasize is time and possibility. Even if governments success to invent and find somethings new, there is no time to wait for it . I think what makes governments recover their economy is unity between governments and citizens. For example, Korea met a severe financial problem called 'IMF' which is debt from international countries. The government of Korea had only few times to pay for debt but there is no way to solve it. (여기도 의미를 확실히 해주셔야 해요. 한국 정부가 빚을 갚을 기회가 별로 없었다는 뜻으로 현재는 해석됩니다.) But Korean citizens sacrificed their gold and helped Korea to recover again.
To sum up, I think the government should reduce investment for scientific research and focus on another ways to recover their economy quickly because scientific research is harmful for citizens and isn't helpful to recover economy.
총평: 이 글의 핵심 전제는 '경제가 위기일 때' 이고, 이에 따라 글 전부가 이와 연관이 긴밀하게 되어있어야 합니다. 그러나 현재 보면 서론, 결론에는 이러한 내용이 어느정도 있긴 하지만 본론 두 문단은 이와 관련해서 조금 애매합니다. 특히 본론 첫 번째 문단은 이러한 내용이 아예 없기 때문에 적절한 근거라고 볼 수 없어요. 단순히 과학 연구의 단점에 대해서 설명하는 것은 아무런 의미가 없고, 이걸 경제 위기와 관련해서 같이 설명해주셔야 해요. 또한 같은 맥락에서 IMF 예시도 적절치가 않습니다. 중요한 사항은 '경제 위기를 극복하는데에 있어서 과학 연구에 대한 투자를 줄여야 한다' 이지 한국 시민들이 IMF 로 인해 금모으기 운동을 한 것은 핵심과 아무런 상관이 없습니다. 수고하셨습니다 :) |