▶ Your Answer :
Certainly, activities play a significant role in teenagers’ daily lives in many of the places where they study or play. Some people might say that teenagers should take part in several different activities, while others think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their opinions. If I should choose one, I would say that students should focus on a single activity which is important for them for the following reasons.
To begin with, when students concentrate on one activity by spending more time on it, their overall happiness will increase overall happiness can be increased. It allows them to improve their abilities significantly in a field due to the great investment of time, and thus be confident about themselves; on the other hand, if they spread their attentions on various activities, they would not be able to show notable enhancement in each activity. High confidence tends to prevent them from feeling inferior in life. For instance, when my brother was in middle school, he was sad thinking that he is inferior to others. He felt insecure about his body image and his academic ability. Although he went to gym and cram schools for each academic subject, it was not easy for him to show improvement in any of them because he did not have much time for each. However, he has started to show good results after he decided to dedicate all of his time doing exercises at gym. He was able to gain some He could gain some muscle mass and have better control over his blood sugar. Eventually, he lost 20 pounds and was able to maintain the normal weight without being diagnosed with serious illnesses. Naturally, his perception of his own body has improved, and he has become more confident about himself than every before.
In addition, students have to participate in an activity in order to succeed in the future. As modern society is becoming has become more competitive and specialized, today’s job markets require job candidates with professionalism. When students build an expertise since young by taking part in one activity which they have a potential in, they will be able to stay competitive ;however, if they participate in all kinds of activities, including the one that they are not naturally good at, it will deter them to from being competent. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she was depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. She had to take part in all kinds of activities such as musical classes, sports classes, and math classes because her mother told her to. Although she made a constant effort in math and was talented in math, it was not easy for her to do it at a professional level because she also had to do things that she disliked such as playing soccer. Fortunately, she was able to build her own expertise by deciding to take part only in math club activity and cancel other club activities. She was able to have sufficient time to solve more than 100 math questions a day. By spending more time in her interest, she was able to not only excel in her math classes but also earn a prize at a math olympiad. Her competence in math allowed her to get a job offer in Google once she graduated from the university.
To sum up, the advantages of participating in one activity far outweigh those of others for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 너무 방황합니다. 에세이 자체가 장황하다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질 되기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 각 단락의 예시가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 예시를 선정할 때 이유에 초점을 맞추면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |