▶ Your Answer : How
to spend free time is one of the most essential parts in life. It means that
people need to center on a way which they have their time after work more
effectively. I strongly believe that people have to have time to refresh by doing
what they favor rather than they do. There are two main reason make me think as
I mentioned. for the following two subsequent reasons.
First,
it is beneficial for your work productivity and ingenuity to have relationships
with people who can help you in different kinds of fields for work productivity to have relationships with people who can help in different kinds of field (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다). When you encounter
any challenge on work, they could give you a sort of unexpected methods or
opportunities that makes you solve the problem with disparate ways. Like there
is a saying, “it is who you know, not what you do, that makes you succeed. The
meaning of success has completely changed compared to the past. if it was
merely focusing on one’s own way and excelling others, now it is different.
Along with your own ability, it is crucial to be recognized by others and have
companions for life. For example, when I was in college, I participated in a
lot of activities like a trip club and volunteer service for old farmer which
are not related with my major, architecture engineering. I had the
opportunities to expand my relationship by these experiences. Then, By having
time with them and discussing about some problem on academic performance, i
could solve them with different perspective. It was conducive to succeed on university
for me to know other’s opinions and views from distinct major.
Second,
Having the outlet for stress has a meaning in itself since it helps one regain
energy and find the strength to go on. People nowadays have pressure not only
physically but also mentally. According to a study from the Hanyang University
in Korea, interestingly, people who have sedentary jobs are inclined to easily
get healed during the assorted experience. On the other hand, Reading a book
and meditating is more helpful for people working actively to read books and
meditate to maximize their work productivity and be self-confident. In
addition, some people say that if we have job related with what we like, we
will lose interest in it and hobbies. Thus, We need to find out our pursuits on
different fields. After relaxing with the hobbies or physical activities, people
will be able to get back on track.
Taking
all these reasons into account, i guarantee that it will make your life better
to spend time with hobbies or physical activities that are different from what you
do at work by having various and beneficial relationships and getting rid of
your own stress effectively.
점수: 20 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 가지고 있는 문제점이 두 가지가 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 주제를 벗어났습니다. 각 단락들이 주제를 벗어난체로 계속 에세이를 이어져서 서술되고 있습니다. 주제 자체가 벗어났기 때문에 각 단락들을 통하여서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 또한 인트로 부터 시작해서 결론 까지 전체적으로 장황합니다. 장황하기 때문에 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 간결하게 본인의 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |