Some people might say that what most affects happiness the most is career or place of residence. However, I believe that relationships among people are the most influential factor in happiness. This is because good relationships make not only a loving family, but also enjoyable work condition.
To begin with, having a good relationship with family members make their family much more lovely. Even though the family lives in a good urban house if they lake lack of proper relationships (모호한 표현입니다) they are not able to be happy. I will take my family and my friend’s family as examples to explain my point. In the case of my family, we do not live in a very nice place but my brother and I talk together often and always share what we need. Unlike my family, my friend’s family lives in a very huge and expensive house with a garden and a swimming pool. However, my friend has` trouble with her mom and always tells me she does is not happy when being at home. These two family This shows that in order to have happiness, a relationship is the most important rather than a decent place.
Moreover, getting a good relationship with coworkers helps people have a more enjoyable moment when they work together. To be specific, they can not only enjoy their work but also make a successful result. My personal experience demonstrates the importance of making having a good relationship with a coworker someone who works together. When I was a freshman, I was given an assignment cooperating with a classmate and it a group assignment which was really difficult for all of the class students. However, unlike other teams in the class, we had a good relationship so we helped and cared for each other well and even though it was really hard, we were happy working together. As a result, we gained a successful output at this project as well as and also had fun in the process phase.
To sum up, making a good relationship with people offers peaceful family and enjoyable events when working. In this regard, I strongly believe that there is nothing more important than having great relationships to be happy.
Score: 20
Comments:
- 전체적인 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 사소한 문법 실수들이 있습니다.
- 두 개 포인트 모두 personal experience로 예시를 들어주신 것이 아쉽습니다. 서로 조금 많이 다른 스타일의 예시를 들어주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.
- 두번째 본론에서는 그래서 결과적으로 인생에서의 행복과 어떻게 연결이 되는지 알 수 없습니다. 두번째 본론은 마치, 일에 있어서 'relationship'이 가장 중요하다 식으로 여겨집니다. 조금 더 주제와 직접적으로 연결이 될 수 있는 설명을 해주시는 것이 더 좋을 것 같습니다.