■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic :People should try out seek different occupations before commiting to a long term job. |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people think people should try out
committing to a long term job rather than seek different occupations. However, I
think people should try doing various kinds of occupations before committing
to a long term job. This is because, (Because 뒤에 컴마 쓰지 말아주세요) people can get broadened perspectives by
doing different occupations and they can feel (무엇을 느낀다는 건가요?) by doing they interest.
First of all, it is helpful for people to
do different occupations. This is because, by doing various job, people can
experience a variety of situations regarding with their job. Today's world is
greatly globalized, hence people should be open-minded and be able to understand
other cultures and lifetimes. Therefore, they need (주어 동사 일치) people with broadened perspective and experience. For example, Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft,
has accomplished a great success during his lifetime. He tried out seeking different occupations
before founding the company of Microsoft. This was helpful for him because it
made him have broadened (Broaden 은 동사입니다. broadened 로 써야 수식할 수 있습니다.) thought and open-minded.
Second, people can be satisfied with
experiencing the various occupations before committing to a long term job. To
be specific, people can experience other types of jobs they want. While doing a
variety of jobs, people can find their new hobbies and advantages. Moreover,
the job that they did before a new job can be helpful for people to do now job. (now job이 뭔가요? 그리고 job 이라는 단어에 대한 동어 반복이 너무 심합니다. 회피해주세요 최대한.) Finally,
they can do a long time, most matched one of the occupations that they have
ever experienced. For example, a recent poll done by Korean Survey System
represents that people who did a variety of occupations before long term job are more satisfied with their recent job by 18 percent than people who did long
term occupations at the first time. This means doing a variety of jobs is
helpful for people to meet high job satisfaction. Job satisfaction is important
because it is age of 100 generation, people should work for a long time.
Therefore, their time that they spend trying out different jobs is not waste of
their lifetime.
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1. 각 문단 시작 전에 tab 버튼 눌러서 들여쓰기 해주세요.
2. conclusion이 빠져있습니다.
토플 에세이에서 결론은 굉장히 중요한 구성요소이므로 빠뜨리지 않고 꼭 적어주세요.
3. 문법이 굉장히 망가져 있습니다.
베이직부터 다시 해주세요.
4. 두 번째 바디는 크게 설득력 있게 느껴지지 않습니다.
애초에 처음부터 long term job을 한다는 것이 어떤 의미인지
elaborate 해주시면 이해가 더 쉬울 듯 합니다.
그리고 어떤 부분에서 만족을 느끼는지 상세하게 서술해주세요.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*