▶ Your Answer : There are some people who believe that in order to success of our children for our children to succeed, we have to make firm regulations for children. However, In my opinion , I disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, strict rules would not help children to think creatively. To be specific, these days, creative thinking is more important ever before the most important aspect. Without physical and psychological freedom, our children would grow up the person who lack of the creativeness. lacking in creativeness That's why a lot of A lot of (that is why는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) schools have been changed their education system thoroughly, and try to make an effort to be agile. The study by done done by Korea university and child education institution recently, which reported that the child who has a lot of limits and strict rules, they become more and more not inactive. This demonstrates that we should educate our children more freely.
On top of that, it does't match with the current of globalization it does not match globalization (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). In the globalization era, we need to be agile and sustain a adoptive manners. However, if we have the attitude which is not flexible and sturborn for our opinion, we would't matched up with the othe country's people could not match up with foreign people. Moreover, theses days, we need to business with a lot of countries together. If we don'g get flexibility, not many countries want to business with us. For the sake of being globalization ourselves, we should get rid of some sort of restriction for children. This is due to the fact that this is a huge current of globalization and we shoul follow them.
To sum up, strict limits or regulations would make our children not creative and we are supposed to follow the current of globalization. In this regard, we should raise our children without any regulations.
점수: 23 일단 두 번째 단락이 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 강한 규체와 세계화와 무슨 관계가 있는지 모르겠습니다. 관계에 대한 설명이 완벽하지 않다 보니 무슨 의도로 이 이유를 서술한 건지에 대한 의문이 들게 됩니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 이유를 선정할 때 항상 주제에 초점을 더 두고 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |