▶ Your Answer : In order to success succeed (동사는 succeed입니다) in development, countries always consider where to invest their limited budget. Especially, in the education, it is a controversy whether government spend more money on young children or young adult. should spend money on young children (children이나 young adult나 독같은 말입니다) Some people believe that it is more efficient when they focus on universities with their budget. However, I disagree with the statement. Because young children have a infinite possibility to be whatever and their ages generation need more money. for the following two subsequent reasons. To start with, young children can be a successful lawyer or can be a murderer according to what they learned from five to ten years old. In contrast, most university students are already decided to what they will do. can distinct what is right and wrong. It means the The (it means는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) quality of education children learn is more important than what university students learn. In other word, for a country, it is obvious that investing much more money on the education of young children is more effectiveness. efficient. For instance, there are apparent differences between rich countries and poor countries when it comes to education policy educational policy (형용사 사용). The most of rich countries invest much more money on kindergarten and elementary school education. On the contrary In contrast, poor countries invest far more money on university education. It can be effective in short term, but eventually, investing more money on young children education bring a lot of advantages brings about lots of advantages (ing뒤에는 항상 단수 동사 입니다). On top of that, the education of young children need more money needs more money (education는 단수 주어 입니다). Universities are able to acquire can be acquired enough money from a various field. They get a big invest from social industries so it can be used for fee of educating universities students. However, when it comes to the education of young children, there is no one who want to invest. wants to invest (one는 단수 주어 입니다) For example, when I was young, my parents want to teach me a diverse activities like music and physic exercises. But the way I learn such things was not in official education facilities but in individual academies. So my parents cannot help avoiding use much money to teach me. When I grown up and in the university, there are many opportunities to learn with no charge. Furthermore, I can get a dorm without paying through scholarship provided by a social company. To sum up, in government's perspective, there are several advantages when they spend more money on the education of very young children. This is because they They (this is because는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) have more possibilities to be a successful person in the future than the universities students and the education of young children part needs more money. In this regard, I believe that the government should invest more money on the education of very young children.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이가 가지고 있는 문제는 단수 복수 주어에 따른 올바른 동사 형태 사용입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 이러한 부분에 있어서 오류들이 많이 보이는 거 같습니다. 항상 이부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 인트로가 장황합니다. 인트로는 에세이의 방향성만 제시하는 것이기 때문에 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|