▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, influence by others plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that peers had an more effect on students than teachers, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that teachers have more impact on students than student`s peers. There are several reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, peers makes students to learn how to mingle well with other people from different backgrounds make people learn how to mingle with other people (peers는 복수 주어 입니다). It exposures them to be different life styles, customs, and cultures. Such exposure is likely to help helps them to acknowledge that different values exist, to understand this diversity, and to ultimately be comfortable with it. the different culture and diversity. For example, when I was eight years old, I saw one of my classmates from Ethiopia eating his meal with bare hands. I felt very uncomfortable by his behavior because it was my first time seeing someone like that. However, after spending time with African students for a long time, I got used to this cultural difference. I realized that we just had different eating styles. In fact, we had a lot in common in a way that we all cared about our family and friends, were committed to relationships, and got easily hurt by what others say. I no longer feel awkward and can make friends with them. In addition, peers can contribute to an increase in students` overall happiness. Peers give them a chance to experience something different from what they would do in their usual routine. A new experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in life. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Fortunately, she was able to deal could deal with such pressure and stress in a safe way by joining a study group with her friends. In her study group, they studied together and even spent their spare time by watching movies and eating delicious food. By doing this In doing so, she was able to let off some steam could relieve the stresses. If she had not had her friends, she would not have been able to escape her boring life. All things considered, I strongly believe that peers have more influence on students than teachers for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of peers cannot be overestimated in students` lives.
점수: 22 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느낀 것은 예시가 전반적으로 주제를 벗어났습니다. 예시를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어렵습니다. 이러한 부분은 전체적인 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 항상 예시를 선정할 때에 주제에 초점을 두면서 이유에 적합한지 한 번 더 생각을 한 후에 예시를 선정하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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