▶ Your Answer Some people might think that exteded family is not as important now as before. Because they think extended family can't assure privacy. For example, my friend James have lived in a extended family and he says, " There is no privacy in there because wherever i go there are at least one person at there. " So he think there are no privacy in a extended family. And people think extended family need a lot of money, because of their numbers. My friend James also says, " We need a lot of money than we had lived with my parents." But i personally believe that extended family is as important now as before. There are a lot of reasons why i think this way, but the most important three reasons is that, at first, extended family has a good family environment. I mean children can learn a lot of things from thier grandparents that their parents can't teach. For example, life experiences. And second, family's mood is much better than live in nit extended family. For example, when i was young i lived only with my parents but few years ago my grandparents moved in to my house. And sience than our house has been always britrning. And it have helped my mental health also. Finally family is much more valuable than money. Even if we spend money more, it would be worthy to live toghther with grandparents. Because of these reasons, i would say that it is as important now as before to live in the exteded family.
Fair; 17~23 점수: 17 구조적으로 전혀 맞지 않는 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 인트로에서 부터 문제가 보이는 에세이입니다. 보통 독립형 에세이에서는 인트로에서 서술되어야하는 것은 훅과 상대방 의견 자신의 의견과 두 이유인데. 이 에세이 같은 필요는 문맥상 맥락 없이 갑자기 예시를 서술하면서 에세이를 이어져 나갔습니다. 또한 각 단락에서의 시작 부터 끝까지 전혀 독립형 에세이와 거리가 떨어진 체로 에세이를 서술하셨습니다. 에세이 서술를 하기 전에 먼저 독립형 에세이가 어떻게 서술되어지는 지를 먼저 알고 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |