Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
"Cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes."
There might be
some people who think that cars have made a greater impact on society than
airplanes. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two
subsequent reasons. Airplanes have made it easy for people easy to travel abroad and
significantly reduced time taken for transportation. Consequently, the world became
a global village and globalization greatly affects every aspect in modern
culture around the world.
To
begin with, as science and technology have been improved significantly during
modern periods, humans developed cars and airplanes which have the biggest
effect on modern cultures around the world as well as on modern transportation
system. It amazingly decreases the time taken for people to travel across the
world. Indeed, we can go everywhere in one day by airplanes. Air transportation
plays a significant role in inducing the concept of “global village”.
Everywhere on the earth is no longer further apart but it becomes closer and
nearer like a village where we can visit frequently in a short time. This only
can happen by airplanes, significantly reducing time taken for traveling long
inter-continental journey across ocean and continent.
On
top of that, in terms of socio-economic and political views, highly increased
accessibility of traveling across the world by air transportation greatly
contributes to globalization around the world. And this changes the fundamental
structure of modern economy and cultures worldwide. For example, let me bring
up my personal story as an example. I used to live in South Korea for a long
time, and I moved to Myanmar and have lived from three years ago. When I first
came here, I felt like it is impossible to find Korean foods or stuffs and I
thought that I could only eat local foods since Myanmar was an undeveloped country
and quite far from Korea. However, I could find many chances to get Korean
stuffs and Korean restaurant here. In addition, I found that there are more
foreign restaurants than local foods restaurants in the biggest shopping mall
in Yangon. This is an example of how globalization affects economy and cultures
around the world.
To
sum up, air transportation plays a significant role in globalization by
reducing time taken for traveling across the world. And this has a great
influence on changing economy and cultures worldwide. In this regard, I think
airplanes have made a greater impact on society than cars.
점수: 25/30
1. conclusion의 분량을 3문장 이상으로 늘려주세요.
2. traveling 으로 쓰시면 됩니다! (no double l)
3. 두 번째 문단에서
미얀마에서도 한국의 음식을 먹을 수 있었던 이유가 airplanes 덕분이라고 조금 더 강조를 해주셨으면
이해가 더 쉬웠을 것 같습니다.
그냥 globalization 얘기만 나와서 맥락을 잡기가 어려울 법도 합니다.
4. 문법에서는 주어동사일치, 관사에 주의해주세요.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*