▶ Your Answer :
First of all, Television advertisements is
not educated for young children. To be specific, television advertisement usually
stimulus because they want to show their product’s advantages to sell their
products for people. So, they contain the incendiary scene and sentences, which
as a result allows children learn about inappropriate acts and words.
Second, television advertisements do not tell
what is safe and allowed activities. As I mentioned above, advertisements aim
is sell their products, therefore advertisement producer made the
advertisements with excessive movements. But children did not know whether it
is danger or not, so they often imitate the violent behavior.
For example, when my nephew john was 4
years old, he was badly hurt, because he had imitated to television
advertisement’s activities. After that, my sister who is the john’s mother
banned television watching without her.
점수: 23 일단 각 단락의 내용을 보았을 때는 잘 서술한 에세이입니다 이 에세이를 통하여서 왜 광고가 아이들에게 안 좋은지를 일 깨워주는 에세이였던 거 같습니다. 하지만 지금 이 에세이에서 부족한 것은 인트로와 결론이 결여된 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 인트로와 결론은 독립형 에세이에서는 중요합니다. 따라서 이 부분을 꼭 서술하면서 독립형 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
제가 서론 결론은 어느정도 템플릿에 맞춰 쓰게 된거 같은데 본론은 템플릿에 맞춰쓰는것이랑 전개가 어려워서 일단 템플릿과 상관없이 전개해서 본론만 써봤습니다 ㅜ 도움 부탁드릴게요...!감사합니다!!! |