저도 에세이 써보다가 ..그냥 한번 봤습니다. 점수는 잘 모르겠고 이상한 부분만 생각나는 대로 적어봤습니다. 도움되시길...
수동태랑.. 주어의 단수/복수에 따라서 동사에 s붙이는 거랑.. 형용사와 명사를 구별해서 사용하시고.. 시제도 한번 생각해서 정해보시고..oxygen은 너무 자세하니까 무난하게 air가 나을 것같아요..그리고 natural인지 wild인지도 생각해보시구요.
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┼ ▨ 어설픈 에세이..점수좀... - princeom ┼
│ 토플 허접이 입니다. 정말이지 에세이는 쓰기가 힘들더군요....한번 봐주세요....ㅠ.ㅠ
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│ Topic : A company ha announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you supprot or oppose the factory? Explain your position.
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│ Recently industry is rapidly development. So we lose green area and natrual animal. Mountain is vainshment into the memory and river is pollute with industrial sewage. But nobody don't give protection to our natrue. Most people only think about seek immediate gains. But we should think about farther on benefit.
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Recently industry is rapidly development >>>>> Recently industry has been rapidly developed. Recently는 완료형이랑 많이 써요. 그리고 문장 의미상 수동태가 맞는 것같아요
natrual animal >>> wild animal 이 표현이 더 많이 쓰여요..
Mountain is vainshment >>> Moutain is vanished 역시 수동태
But nobody don't >> But nobody doesn't ............nobody는 단수취급하는 걸로 알고 있거든요
Most people only think about seek immediate gains. >> Most people seek only immediate gains. ..think about 담에 seek가 동명사되야 되는데.. 그냥 think about 빼도 될것같아요.
farther on benefit >> ultimate benefit .. 궁극적 이득이란 의미죠..rephrase해봤습당.
│ If the factory come into our community then it give profit in the first. For example, construct a new building, build a road and so on. Then our life is convenience more than before into the factory. But as time goes on we maybe know disadvantage about the factory. River is pullote and our ear will be sick becase noies of factory. Also our child expose danger becase trucks that carry matrials to a factory.
For example, construct a new building, build a road and so on >> constructing a new building, road and so on. 주어로 쓰일려면 투부정사나 동명사가 와야죠
Then our life is convenience more than before into the factory. >> Then our life become more convenient with factory than before.
But as time goes on we maybe know disadvantage about the factory. >> But as time goes on we will realize the fact that factory ruin our environment.
River is pullote and our ear will be sick becase noies of factory. >> Factory pollutes river and hurts our health.
Also our child expose danger becase trucks that carry matrials to a factory. >> Also our children is exposed to danger, such as truck that carry material to a factory.
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│ If the factory don't come into our community then we can't give profit yet. But as time goes on we can gain more profit. Specially child and old people. They have need of flesh oxgen and clean water becase body is very weak. At first maybe we are inconvenience becase have not a big road, a department stroe, a sports center and so on. But we have nature. It give a air and a fruit, see the animals as if zoo and we can sports on the green ground as if sports center.
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If the factory don't come into our community then we can't give profit yet. >> If the factory doen't come into our community, we can't get profit from it(factory).
But as time goes on we can gain more profit. >> But as time goes on, we should gain more profit.
Specially child and old people. They have need of flesh oxgen and clean water becase body is very weak. >> Specially to someone who is weak like children and old people, flesh air and clean water is essential.
At first maybe we are inconvenience becase have not a big road, a department stroe, a sports center and so on. >> Without big road, a department stroe, a sports center and so on, we maybe inconvenient.
But we have nature. It give a air and a fruit, see the animals as if zoo and we can sports on the green ground as if sports center. >> But with unpolluted nature, ...............
│ Finally we can gain almost all at nature. Also we can't live without nature. If we living without nature then we must make a oxgen without a break. It is very important. The people can't live without oxgen. If we can agreement about build a factory becase seek immediate gain then we will be lose many thing more than it.
Finally we can gain almost all at nature. >> All things come from nature.
Also we can't live without nature. >> So we can't live without nature.
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