▶ Your Answer : Old people in my community think that building a large factory near our community is not good. However, young people in my city including me have different view from old people. We think that building a large factory near our community has more benefits than bad points for the following reasons. (따라서 본인의 주장이 무엇인가요?) First of all, that factory enables our city's economy to be increase. the economy can be increased Because, building a factory in one city, people move in there to find thier work and people who live in that city want buy something or eat outside,so many stores are built in that city. People will find their work and buy products, the new building can promote economic activity. In this sequence, that city's economy will be active. the city's economy can become active
For example, my grandmother's city did not have (동사가 없습니다) active economy and very quiet place. But,one factory that made cloth build in my grandmother's village, many people moved in that city and many store built near factory,so hers villiage's economy to be ative. In this regard, factory enables our city economy to be active. Second,We can get many things that we agree to build a large facstory near our community one can get a lot of good benefits. Old people disagree to build a factory because that structure give us to bad thing such as air pollution and noise sound. as it can provide air pollution and loud noise. So they nervous that their family's health fail. But, we can solved that problem solve such problems (can뒤는 동사 원형 입니다) before building a factory. For example,to build benefit building and to promise that building a factory with air cleaner machines. One factory in near my community. When a factory built (과거형이기 때문에 시제를 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다) in my community, many people disagree because they think just bad thing. However, the company and government suggest us to build other things in my city and free health check every four years. In this regard, building a factor help us to get many valuable things.
To sum up, I believe that building a large factory near my community has more benefits that bad things for the following reasons. Building factory near my city is made our city's economy to be active. Furthermore, We can get many benefits to build a factory near our community such as pubilc library, sport center. Consequently, the impertance of my viwe cannot underestimated for the reasons that I mentioned above.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째 오류는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠는 듯 한 부분들이 있습니다. 좀 더 문장들을 명확하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |