▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is not advantageous for teenage students to have part-time jobs, while others do not. Both of sides may have reasonable points to support their own views. If I had to choose one, In my opinion, I think that part-time jobs benefitsteenage students. There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, part-times jobs can improve the responsibility of teen age teenage students. With working experiences, students can learn to do their duties, such as arriving at the office in time and following the schedule ('일정을 따르다'라고 해석이 되는데, 표현이 다소 모호합니다). For example, a study was conducted by Korean Educational Development Institution, KEDI, to determine whether working experience could affect students’ responsible attitude (어색한 표현입니다 - students' behavior) in at school life.There were two groups that were monitored. The first group was formed of students who did not experience having part-time jobs at all. The other group was consisted of students who did a part-time job. The researchers monitored their behaviors at school habits in their school. The researchers compared the outcomes and found that the latter group better handled was more responsible in handling their assignmentsand following followed school rules. This is because they already knew they are responsible for their activities (어색한 표현입니다), due to their additional workingexperience. In addition, part-time jobs encourage for teenage students to appreciate understandthe value of money. By working for themselves, students can learn how difficult it is the importance of time and efforts to make money. For instance, when my brother was in middle school, he did not know the importance of the money (돈의 '중요성'을 몰랐다는 표현이 살짝 맥락과 안맞는 것 같습니다'. Whenever he got money from parents, he spent all of them it buying goods he liked such as an expensive head phone, and sports magazines. However, after my brother worked at a convenience store at for night timeduring the winter vacation in high school, first grade. Then, he became to realized thathow it was difficult it was to make money. After two months, when he got his pay payment from the owner, he went to the bank without using them the money at all. Without this experience, my brother would not have been able to know the value of the money. To sum up, part time jobs can enhance the responsibility of teen age students (어색한 표현입니다) and teach them the importance of money. In this regards I strongly believe that part-time jobs are more likely to bring merits to teen age students.
Score: 16 Comments: - 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 제시하신 이유 모두 적절하고 설명이 잘 되어있습니다. - 그러나 문법 실수가 여러 개 있습니다. - 어색한 표현이 있습니다. 대부분 영어로 직역을 할 때 의미가 모호해지는 한국어 표현들입니다. - teenage 붙여서 써주세요. part time job의 복수는 part time jobs입니다 (part times job (x))
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