▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that infringing people's freedom is could not be acceptable in any situations . W, whereas others have a different idea with it. They believe that freedom should be confined to protect their safety and enable to produce stable society.
To begin with, by being limited from the government, freedom can make people to reduce unacceptable behavior. Rules can enforce people to do their proper action in order to maintain society. For instance, people sometimes choose a bad action to pursue their benefits even it could have be had a bad influence on others. 5 months ago, Korea's a food company in Korea became a serious issue when it comes related to their excessive environmental destroy. Their production process of products contained yield harmful substances so that they caused contamination of nearby river because they excluded removing toxic chemical toxin-remove procedure to save costs. Since there is no proper regulation that for monitoring company's destruction of the environmental matter, the company they had less concern about this problem. However, after the government made a law which is confirms the company's manufacture process, my country's countriesall of the environmental pollution was 40% more decreased 40% more than before. Secondly, confining freedom allows people to live the safe life. The government could protects people safely from the excessive occurrence of crime which infringes others' other's rights. For instance, according to research from Korea University, there is the difference of the crime rate between the states by whether they had an intensive punishment or not. Some cities which are have the lighter punishment showed not onlyhad a higher frequency of crime also more intensive crime rate. On the other hand, Tthese cities experienced decrease of the rate by strengthened their rules. To sum up, limited one's own's freedom can enable to build a safety life and induce appropriate behavior to maintain better society. In this regard, I agree that sometimes people's freedom has to be infringed by the government.
Comment : 사회안전을 위해서 자유를 제한할 수 있다는 주장 자체는 적절하지만 내용 전달이 많이 부족합니다. 문법에 맞는 정확한 문장을 더 많이 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |