▶ Your Answer :
Without doubt, the time is the most precious
resource in our life. Some people think that spending time at work is more important
than being at home, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons
to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that spending time
with family is more important than being at work. There are several reasons and
examples as follows.
To
begin with, the time with family members can give people a sense of
comfortability which is important for their mental health. Family members don’t
judge me and well embrace me. So, I don’t have to deceive anything with them. 그래서 편안한 마음이 드는데->편하게 느끼는 것이 왜 중요한지를 설명해주세요. 주제가 묻는 것은 '중요성'이기 때문에 어떤 면에서 중요한지를 설명하는 부분이 꼭 필요합니다. For
example, a few years ago, my father once said to me that he always had to be anxious
at work because his every word or activity was evaluated by other coworkers. That’s
why he took care about his every detailed behavior and deceived his true
feelings to others. However, as family members see him as he is, he doesn’t
have to disguise himself, which lets him feel comfortable at home. 마찬가지로 이 사례가 주장과 무슨 관련이 있는지를 설명해주세요. 가족과 함께 있으면 좋다, 가 아니라 가족과 함께 보내는 시간이 '중요하다'라는 결론으로 연결되어야 합니다.
On
top of them, being with family members is good for their kids. The family
environment has a huge influence on children’s life. According to the university’s
research, the researchers analyzed family backgrounds of a group of criminals. Some criminals had grown up in the home environment which had many problems. On the other hand, others had a good home environment. However, the
percentage of the people who had bad environment at home was had 2.5 times higher percentage than
the percentage that of the criminals who had hospitable family environment. This
means making a good family circumstances by spending time with each other is the key
factor for their kid’s mental and physical health. 마찬가지로 현재 내용은 가족시간이 직장에서 보내는 시간보다 중요한 이유와는 관련이 없습니다. 화목한 가정이 아이들의 정서에 미치는 긍정적인 영향을 설명하는 것은 '직장에서 보내는 시간 vs. 가족과 보내는 시간'의 중요성 비교에 대한 답변이 될 수 없습니다.
In
belief, I firmly believe that the advantages of spending time with family far
outweighs the disadvantages for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all,
parents should come back home earlier and start having a talk with their
family.
Comment : 주제가 묻는 것은 직장에서 보내는 시간과 가정에서 보내는 시간의 중요성 비교입니다. 따라서 가족시간이 왜 좋은지만을 설명하거나 화목한 가정을 유지하는 것이 왜 중요한지 설명하는 것은 off-topic의 답변이 됩니다. '직장에서 보내는 시간보다' 가족시간이 더 중요한 이유가 되도록 중요성에 초점을 두고 주장을 구성해주세요. 기본적인 글의 구성은 잘 숙지하고 계시니까 주제에 맞는 주장으로 내용을 만드는 부분을 중점적으로 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 주제에 맞게 다시 답을 써 보셔도 좋을 것 같아요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
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