▶ Your Answer : It is debatable whether teachers’ salaries should be equal to that of professional doctors and lawyers. This is an intriguing topic because opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on the individual perspectives. In my opinion, I support that teachers should be paid as much as doctors and lawyers for the following reasons. Students’ intellectual, social and personal development is influenced by what they have learned. With this understanding, I believe that teachers’ salaries should be as much as professionals’ such as doctors and lawyers for two reasons. This is because teacher enables students to broaden perspectives and gives educational opportunities, and the teachers should be rewarded high salaries to do their best job. First of all, teachers should be paid as much as professionals’ because the role of teachers, broadening students’ perspectives, is important. To be specific, teachers encourage students to read a lot of books all over the world, which as a result allowing them to understand other cultures, lifestyles, and perspectives better. As modern society is becoming increasingly globalized, today’s world requires people with international views. Students will be able to do this better by doing what their teacher provides them to. Masters such as doctors and lawyers does not have this ramification. For example, Steven Jobs, a founder of Apple, made great accomplishment in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful because he was global-minded and culturally sensitive. This was due to the fact that he has been taught to be open-minded by his teacher. --> 이런 점이 teacher의 영향을 받았기 때문이라는 내용을 자세하게 추가해주세요 (선생님에게 많은 것을 배웠다고 ceo본인이 이야기했다는 내용 등) - 선생님들이 미래의 과학자와 변호사, 엔지니어들을 만드는 가장 중요한 인재이다 --> 학생들은 선생님으로부터 ~과 ~, ~ 을 배우고 이를 통해 ~이 될 기반을 다진다. 교육 뿐만 아니라 ~을 통해 시야를 확장한다. 이러한 중요한 직업을 가진 선생님들은 당연히 high payment를 받아 마땅하다 ==> 논리가 각 문장별로, 그리고 전체 흐름이 매끄럽게 다듬어질 수 있게 문장을 일부 재구성해주세요.
Secondly, teachers provide basic knowledge that are needed to their students. The rule of the teacher is so essential that teachers’ salaries should be as much as that of professionals. In detail, teachers teach history, science, and philosophy, which as a result allows people to obtain valuable information, stay ahead, and attain personal growth. People need to be educated throughout their lives because education is the most powerful weapon that they can use to change the world as well as their own lives. If teachers can empower students with this weapon, they should be compensated with higher salaries. For instance, when I was younger, I have learned mathematics and philosophy in high school. This helped me to be analytic and creative. In the long run, creativity and critical thinking of students have been enhanced by teachers. This effect cannot be arrived from professionals who do not transfer knowledge like teachers. In conclusion, I firmly believe that teachers’ salaries should be as much as professionals’, such as doctors and lawyers. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been efficiently and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future. ( 단순히 template을 복사하여 붙여넣기 보단 본인이 작성한 내용을 요약하는 것을 바탕으로 주장이 어떻게 support되는지를 보여주는 것이 좋습니다)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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